Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 1
by BentleyGirl
Summary: A novelization of the first five series of the popular machinima by Rooster Teeth in five parts. Please read and review. UPDATED! Rated T for swearing.
1. Why are we out here?

**Hello readers. It's time for a complete change of mode for regular readers of my other stories.**

**Just recently, my brother made references to this series which made me laugh. Sometime later, I decided to watch the five series that he had downloaded onto his computer and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Out of curiosity, I looked up on the search engine in this website and found a few attempts at novelizing the series, two of which I added to Story Alert. After a while, I suddenly found myself narrating the series like I was reading from a book and after a bit, I decided to go ahead with it.**

_**Disclaimer**_**: I do not own the RvB series or **_**Halo**_**. They belong exclusively to Rooster Teeth and Bungie, respectively.**

* * *

Chapter One: Why Are We Here?

On a distant planet far from Earth, in a small canyon known as Blood Gulch, two armies were poised to attack. Both were factions of Spartan-II super soldiers, colored red and blue respectively; both had a base in this one canyon and both had just one mission: take out the enemy and capture their flag. For many weeks, not much happened… and then one day… still nothing happened, but the following day…

On the roof of the Red Base, two soldiers stood on watch; one dressed in maroon-colored armor and the other in orange armor. For a while, they were silent and then the maroon one turned to his teammate and spoke, "Hey, Grif."

"Yeah, Simmons?" the orange soldier replied.

"You ever wonder why we're here?" Simmons asked.

"It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it?" Grif replied, rubbing his chin in thought. "Why _are _we here? I mean, are we the product of… some cosmic coincidence or, is there really a God… watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night."

Simmons stared at his fellow soldier through his visor in bafflement. "What? I meant, why are we out _here_ in this canyon?"

"Oh," Grif murmured sheepishly. "Uh… yeah."

"What was all that stuff about God?" Simmons asked in confusion.

"Uh… hm? Nothing," Grif replied, lowering his head.

"You wanna talk about it?"

Grif shook his head.

"You sure?"

The orange soldier nodded.

"Seriously though, why _are_ we out here?" Simmons recalled his earlier question. "Far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere, with no way in or out." Grif nodded silently at this. "And the only reason that we set up a Red Base here is because they have a Blue Base over there." He pointed to the other side of the canyon. "And the only reason they have a Blue Base over there, is because we have a Red Base here."

"Yeah," Grif said. "That's because we're fighting each other."

"No, no," Simmons argued. "But I mean, even if we were to pull out today and they were to come take our base, they would have _two_ bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop de fucking do."

"What's up with that anyway?" Grif agreed. "I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of Blue guys."

At that very moment, on a cliff overlooking the Red Base, two of those Blue guys were spying on the Reds. One soldier, dressed in cobalt blue armor, was watching the scene through the scope on his sniper rifle while his teal-colored teammate stood nearby.

"What're they doing, Church?" the teal soldier asked, for the hundredth time that day and they'd been here since morning.

Church lowered the rifle and turned round. "What?"

"I said what're they doing now?"

"God damn, Tucker," Church snapped. "I'm getting so sick of answering that question!"

"Hey you have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit," Tucker retorted defensively. "Don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my di-"

"Okay, okay, look," Church interrupted quickly. "They're just standing there, and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they _ever_ do, is stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from _now_, when you ask me 'What are they doing?' my answer's gonna be 'They're _still_ just talking, and they're _still_ just standing there!'"

Tucker was silent for a moment as he glanced at the Reds. "What're they talking about?"

Church glowered at his teammate. "You know what? I fucking hate you."

Back at Red Base, Grif kicked a small stone aside in frustration. "Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life. You know, fight _them_."

"Yeah, no shit," Simmons replied gruffly. "That's why they should put _us_ in charge."

Just then, the voice of doom, also known as their Sergeant, rang out from the base's lower level. "LADIES! Front and centre, on the double!"

Simmons swore to himself and Grif called out, "Yes sir!" as they set off down the base's ramp.

* * *

**And there you go; the first episode.**


	2. Red Gets a Delivery

**On to Episode 2 now. Also, I know in the game you can't see their faces, but I'm sure they were trained to read each other's body language and I'll also describe their facial expressions for you.**

* * *

Chapter 2: Red Gets a Delivery

At Red Base, Grif and Simmons ran up to where their commanding officer was waiting. The Sergeant, better known as Sarge, was also dressed in the standard suit of MJOLNIR armor, colored in the standard issue red of a high-ranking officer and covered in the dents and scratches of a veteran who had seen many battles against the Covenant over the years.

"Hurry up, ladies," Sarge bellowed as they approached. "This ain't no ice-cream social."

"Ice-cream social?" Simmons asked in confusion.

"Stop the pillow-talk, you two," Sarge drawled in his deep Southern accent. "Anybody wanna guess, why I gathered you here, today?"

"Ummm, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?" Grif asked hopefully.

"That's exactly it, Private. War's over; we won," Sarge replied, his voice thick with sarcasm. "Turns out you're the _BIG_ hero and we're gonna hold a parade in yer honor. I get to drive the float and Simmons here _is in charge of CONFETTI!_"

"I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir," Grif murmured.

"God dammit, Private," Sarge growled. "Shut yer mouth, or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!"

"O-ho, I'd do it too," Simmons chuckled evilly.

"I knew ya would, Simmons. Good man," Sarge sniggered then he cleared his throat and returned to the subject at hand. "Couple a' things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost #1."

"Crap," Grif groaned. "We're getting a rookie."

"That's right, dead man," Sarge said, smiling at Grif's discomfort. "Our new rookie will be here within the week, but today we've received the first part of our shipment from Command."

Grif and Simmons exchanged worried looks as Sarge turned towards a nearby hill. "Lopez, bring up the vehicle."

With a loud roar, a huge armor-plated jeep with a turret on the back came roaring over the hill and pulled up next to the soldiers then a Spartan in brown armor disembarked and stood next to it.

"Shotgun!" Simmons called out.

"Shotgun!" Grif cried out, a split-second too late. "Fuck!"

"May I introduce our new light reconnaissance vehicle," Sarge announced, stepping up to the car. "It has four inch armor plating…" He rapped his knuckles against the sides. "Mag bumper suspension…" He pushed his foot against the fender. "A mounted machine gunner position…" He indicated the gun at the back. "And total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12-LRV! I like to call it the Warthog."

"Why Warthog, sir?" Simmons asked.

"Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son," Sarge replied, his patience wearing thin.

"No, no, but why _Warthog_?" Grif asked. "I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig."

"Say that again!" Sarge yelled.

"I think it looks more like a puma," the orange soldier replied.

"What in Sam Hell is a puma?" Sarge snapped.

"Uh, you mean like the shoe company?" Simmons asked.

"No, like a puma," Grif replied. "It's a big cat, like a lion."

Sarge just stared at him in disbelief. "You're making that up."

"I'm telling you, it's a real animal," Grif insisted.

"Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal," Sarge ordered.

"Yes sir!" Simmons replied loyally.

"Look, see these two tow hooks?" Sarge explained, pointing them out on the front of the jeep. "They look like tusks. And what kinda animal has tusks?"

"A walrus," Grif replied.

"Didn't I just _tell_ you to stop making up animals?" Sarge shouted.

From the cliff overlooking the Red Base, Church and Tucker watched the scene unfold below. "What is that thing?" Tucker asked curiously.

"I don't know, man" Church answered, lowering his sniper rifle. "Looks like they've got some sort of car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it."

"A car?" Tucker cried out, taken aback. "How come they got a car?"

Church stared at his teammate in disbelief. "What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop."

Tucker lowered his head in disappointment and muttered, "You can't pick up chicks in a tank."

"Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you?" Church snapped. "We're about to get a tank and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?"

"Well, what kind of car is it?" Tucker sighed, changing the subject quickly.

"I don't know, I've never seen a car like that before," Church admitted. "It looks like a… uh… like a big cat of some kind."

"What like a puma?" Tucker said.

"Yeah man, there you go." Church nodded.

Down below, the argument over the jeep's name was getting heated when Sarge raised his shotgun and fired it into the air, silencing his two privates. "So, unless anybody else has any more mythical creatures to suggest as the name for our new vehicle, we're gonna stick with… the Warthog." He turned to Grif with a smirk. "How 'bout it, Grif?"

"No sir," Grif muttered meekly. "No more suggestions."

"Are you sure?" Sarge teased. "How 'bout Bigfoot?"

"It's okay."

"Unicorn?"

"No, really, uh I'm cool."

"Sasquatch?"

"Leprechaun?" Simmons added.

"Hey, he doesn't need any help, man," Grif retorted.

"Phoenix?" Sarge continued.

"Oh, Christ," Grif sighed, turning to head back to base.

But Sarge wasn't finished yet. "Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard, eats all the goats?"

"Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir," Simmons replied.

"Hey Grif! Chupa-thingy, how 'bout that?" Sarge called to the orange Spartan's back. "I like it, has a ring to it."

Grif just groaned and put his head in his hands.

* * *

**Poor Grif, he just can't catch a break. Anyway…**


	3. The Rookies

**Here we are again with Episode 3 and both teams are about to get new members.**

* * *

Chapter 3: The Rookies

Two days had passed since the Warthog had arrived and Grif and Simmons were once again caught in another argument.

"Hey, that's not exactly what happened," Simmons said angrily.

"Yes it is," Grif countered. "You said 'I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant' and the next thing I knew, you're in an escape pod heading for-"

"Excuse me, uh, sirs?" a new voice interrupted them.

"Sirs?" Grif asked. He and Simmons turned round to see a Spartan-II soldier standing before them, wearing standard issue red armor that looked much newer than the armor Sarge wore. "Ah, crap."

"I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost #1 and speak to whoever's in charge," the new soldier said cheerily.

"Sorry, man," Grif told him. "Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today."

"Actually, Private," Simmons argued, "he left me in charge while he's gone."

"You are such a kiss-ass," Grif groaned, swiping at his teammate.

"Also, he told me that if I had any trouble from you, I should…" Simmons cleared his throat and did a rough version of Sarge's accent. "Git in the Warthog an' crush yer head like a tomato can."

Grif stared at his teammate. "That's the worst impression I've ever heard."

Simmons sighed and turned to the new guy. "Okay, rookie, what's your story?"

"Private Donut reporting for duty, sir," the red soldier replied, saluting smartly. "I'm ready to fight some aliens."

"Couple of things, rookie," Grif said. "First off: Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?"

"This _is_ the standard issue red," Donut replied.

"Yeah, I know," Grif sighed. "Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor; officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer."

"Well, _he's_ wearing red armor," Donut argued, pointing at Simmons.

"No," Simmons replied, shaking his head. "My armor is maroon, your armor is red."

"Well, how do _I_ get a different colored armor then?" Donut asked.

Simmons sighed and turned his head to the other side of the canyon. "I'll bet the Blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap."

At that very moment, over at the Blue Base, Church and Tucker were staring at their new Scorpion-Class tank while their new recruit, a soldier wearing regulation blue armor named Caboose leaned against a tread, chatting to them about how it was delivered. "So I say to the guy, 'How're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?' And he goes 'I'll just put it on the ship.' And I go 'if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, _why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?_'"

"Hey, kid," Tucker said crossly.

"Yeah?" Caboose asked.

"You're ruining the moment. Shut up."

"Oh, okay. You got it, man!"

"You know what?" Church murmured in awe. "I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing."

Back at Red Base, Simmons suddenly had an idea for their new recruit. "Okay, Private Donut. Here's the deal."

"I just refuse to call him Private Donut," Grif muttered under his breath.

"We've got a very important mission for you," Simmons continued. "You think you can handle it?"

"Absolutely," Donut said with an eager salute.

Simmons nodded at this. "We need you to go to the store and get two quarts of Elbow Grease."

Grif was about to argue when he saw Simmons wink through his visor and realized what he was up to. "Yeah, and um pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too."

"The what?" Donut asked, tipping his head in confusion.

"He means the Warthog," Simmons explained, pointing at the jeep that Lopez was guarding.

"You do know where the store is, right rookie?" Grif asked.

"What?" Donut said with slight worry. "Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem."

"Well, get going then," Simmons ordered.

Donut nodded and set off across the roof towards the canyon wall.

"Other way," Grif said, pointing to the other side of the canyon.

Donut did a quick about-turn and ran off saying, "I know that. Just, got turned around, that's all."

As they watched the rookie jump off the roof and zip across the gulch, Simmons turned to Grif. "How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?"

"I'd say… at least a week," Grif estimated.

After running a few feet away, Donut stopped in the middle of the canyon and glanced back at Red Base. "Elbow Grease," he snorted. "How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant."

Over at the Blue Base, Tucker patted the treads of their new tank fondly. "You know what? Forget what I said before. We can _definitely _pick up chicks with this thing, probably two or three chicks a piece."

"Oh man, listen to you," Church sighed, shaking his head. "What're you gonna do with two chicks?"

"Church, women are like Voltron," Tucker explained. "The more you can hook up, the better it gets."

Back at Red Base, Simmons turned to his orange teammate in concern. "You think that we were too mean to the kid?"

"Nah," Grif replied with a shrug. "He'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?"

At that very moment, Donut climbed up a slight rise and spotted a building just ahead. "Finally, there it is." As he ran down, he spotted something nearby. "Oh sweet, they sell tanks!"

* * *

**Uh-oh, that's not good. Few things to clear up here: first, I know Caboose doesn't get officially named as such until 6 episodes later, but I'm calling him that anyway. Also, I am now aware what Voltron are, so shut up about it.**


	4. Head Noob in Charge

**On to Episode 4 and now things are about to get interesting.**

* * *

Chapter 4: Head Noob in Charge

As the Blue Spartan-IIs were examining their new tank, Church turned to his crew. "Yeah, I'll let you in on a little secret. I've uh… I've actually got a girl back home."

"Oh yeah?" Tucker asked with genuine interest. "Girlfriend or wife?"

"No, man, she's just my girlfriend, ya know?" Church replied, rubbing the back of his neck. "We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out, and… ah, you know how it works."

"Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?" Tucker asked.

"I'm not gonna get married," Caboose said before Church could reply. "My dad always said 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'"

Church glared at their new team member. "Hey rookie… did you just call my girlfriend a cow?"

"No, I think he called her a slut," Tucker answered, seizing the advantage.

Church looked about to tear Caboose's head off, but then an idea crossed his mind. "I'll tell you what, noob," he said, calming down. "I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do."

"Great," Caboose murmured nervously.

"You see," Church explained. "We've got this General…"

"Right, the General guy," Tucker agreed, immediately catching on to Church's scheme.

"…who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases," Church continued. "So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go into the base and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he comes by."

"When is he coming by?" Caboose asked curiously.

"We never know," Tucker replied, amazed that the newbie fell for it. "Could be today, could be a week from now."

"You want me to stand at attention for a week?" Caboose asked worryingly.

"You know, you don't sound very grateful," Church said, folding his arms and giving the rookie a patronizing look. "This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag."

"What's so important about the flag?" Caboose asked.

Worried that Caboose was starting to see through his ploy, Church thought quickly. "Oh come on. Don't they teach you guys _anything_ in training?"

"They didn't tell us anything about a flag," the new soldier replied slowly. "Why is it so important?"

"Because it's the flag, man," Church replied, losing his flow. "You know, it's the fl… it's the _flag_, it's… uh… Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important."

"Well, it's… it's complicated," Tucker stammered. "Uh… it's blue, we're blue…"

"It's just important, okay? Trust us," Church finished sternly. "So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag."

"Right," Tucker agreed.

"So," Church said, summing up his instruction to terms that even a brain-dead chimp could understand, "just go in there, you know, far away from _us_ and wait for him."

Caboose nodded and set off towards the base, but halfway there, he turned round and called back, "Uh, how will I know when I see him?"

"There's only three of us here, rookie," Tucker replied, pointing to himself and Church. "He's gonna be the guy who doesn't look like one of us."

"Now get in there and _don't come out!_" Church commanded. As Caboose ran inside the base, the leader sighed and rolled his eyes. "Man, that guy's dumber than you are."

"You mean he's dumber than _you_ are," Tucker retorted.

"Wow, Tucker," Church replied sarcastically. "That was a great comeback."

"Uh, Mister Church, sir?" Caboose called out nervously from the base's doorway.

"Oh my God, WHAT?" Church yelled out. "Tucker, I swear I'm gonna kill him."

"Uh," Caboose replied, cringing at his leader's voice. "Sorry about calling your girl a slut…"

"ROOKIE, SHUT UP!" Church screamed, his patience gone. "JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! GET IN THERE!"

As Caboose retreated into the base, Tucker turned round and started chuckling to himself, causing Church to round on him. "Tucker, are you laughing at me?"

At that moment, Donut ran up behind them. "Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?"

Without turning round, Church let out a groan and turned his eyes skyward. "Dear God in heaven, rookie," he growled through gritted teeth. "If I turn around and you are not inside, I… I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!"

"What did I do?" Donut asked worryingly.

"One…" Church started counting.

"Aw, give me a break," Donut muttered under his breath.

"TWO!"

"Fine!" Donut snapped and ran into the 'store'.

Inside, Caboose spotted the red rookie approaching and remembering Tucker's advice, guessed he was the General. "Wow, you got here fast."

Donut glanced over his shoulder to look through the door he had just entered. "Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon?"

"I'm not, sir," Caboose replied, saluting smartly. "What can I do for you?"

Donut turned at this and smiled at Caboose. "Finally, someone with a little respect around here."

"Yes sir," Caboose said, stepping aside to reveal the flag. "I assume you're here because of this."

"Wait, is this all you have?" Donut cried out, looking around nervously.

"Uh, yes sir, this is it," Caboose replied, a little unsure.

"Aw man, this figures. Shit. What about Elbow Grease?"

"Ummmmm…"

"Headlight fluid?"

"No, all we have is this flag."

"Well, I can't go back empty-handed," Donut decided, stepping forward. "I guess I'll take that."

"Sure," Caboose said, nodding to himself as he watched the 'General' take the flag. "That makes sense… I guess."

Donut then ran out muttering to himself, "Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag."

Outside, Church turned back to the tank, thus missing Donut as he ran out with the flag. "Well, enough gabbing out of us," he said to his teal teammate. "Let's take this bad boy for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker."

"Me?" Tucker asked nervously. "I can't drive this thing."

Church stared at him in shock. "You're telling me you're not Armor Certified?"

"I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle," Tucker retorted. "Don't _you_ know how to drive that?"

"No," Church replied worryingly. "Holy crap! WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY!?"

At that moment, Caboose ran up to the Base's doorway and called out, "Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the General stopped by and picked up the flag."

"Yeah, okay, whatever, moron!" Church yelled back dismissively before turning back to Tucker. "Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing?" Then suddenly the penny dropped and Church turned slowly back to Caboose. "Wait a second… What did he just say?"

* * *

***sigh* Boy these guys are slow, aren't they?**


	5. The Package is in the Open

**Episode 5 and we're finally getting somewhere.**

* * *

Chapter 5: The Package is in the Open

On the roof of the Blue base, while Tucker kept a look out for the flag thief, Church let out a sigh and placed his hand over his visor. "Let me get this straight," he growled at Caboose. "You gave this guy… _our flag?_"

"Is that bad?" Caboose asked nervously.

"Bad? Oh no, that's not _bad_," Church replied in a voice dripping with sarcasm. "Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole Goddamn base?"

Just then, Tucker spotted a flash of blue by the canyon wall. "There, there he is."

"Where?" Church raised his sniper rifle and peered around through the scope until he found the figure holding the flag. "Oh yeah, oh I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs."

Tucker nodded as he watched the figure pause. "He must be one smart son of a bitch."

At that moment, Donut looked round in confusion and scratched the back of his helmet. "Oh man, I am so freaking lost," he murmured, setting off again. "Where the hell is the base?"

Back at Blue Base, Church adjusted the zoom in the scope and took a closer look at the soldier holding the flag. "Oh shit… Hey Tucker, take a look at his armor. It's red."

"Oh man," Tucker groaned. "That means it's their Sergeant."

"Well, that makes sense," Church agreed with a shrug. "At least now we know how he got by our defenses."

"Uh, you know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing," Caboose pointed out.

"Yeah okay," Tucker replied impatiently. "Well let's take him out then."

"Roger that," Church nodded, taking aim at the retreating Donut's head. "Okay, say goodnight, Sarge." And he opened fire at him, once, twice, thrice, four times.

Donut jumped in alarm as the bullets zoomed over his head. "Son of a bitch!" he cried out, turning back towards the Blue Base.

"Aw crap," Church groaned, realizing that he missed. He then became aware of Tucker glaring at him. "What?"

"You're really not very good at that thing, are you?" Tucker asked, shaking his head.

Afraid that the 'storekeepers' were thinking he stole the flag, Donut waved it around and called out, "Hey, it's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember?"

The Blues couldn't hear what Donut was yelling but they saw the flag being waved. "Oh great," Tucker groaned. "Now he's taunting us. That's just embarrassing…"

"Alright, that's it, I've had it," Church cried out, tossing his sniper aside and snatching up an assault rifle. "Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter and cut him off at the pass."

"Right!" Caboose nodded.

Church then ran across the roof to a nearby doorway with green energy glowing inside it. "Tucker you ready? Let's go."

But Tucker stepped back nervously. "There is _no way _I'm going through that thing!"

"Tucker, we don't have time for this," Church sighed in frustration. "Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?"

"I don't know. Why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?"

"We already tested the teleporter, remember?"

"We threw _rocks_ through it!"

"Yeah, and so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?"

"Yeah, but they were all hot and covered in black stuff."

"Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then," Church said slowly. "You're afraid of a little black stuff."

"Yes. I am," Tucker admitted, folding his arms . "I am afraid of black stuff."

Church let out a sigh then he raised his rifle and aimed it at the teal soldier's visor. "Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you."

Tucker gasped and took a step back. "You wouldn't…"

"You know, I look at it this way," Church replied smugly. "Either A, we go through there and get the flag back, or B, we stay here and I get to kill you. Either way, I win."

Tucker sighed reluctantly and stepped towards the teleporter, glaring at Church. "For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people."

"Duly noted," Church said gruffly, pointing with his gun. "Now get in there."

"Crap," Tucker groaned and he turned to face the teleporter. "Alright… One… Two…" And he ran straight into the doorway and disappeared.

Immediately, Church and Caboose looked to where the exit was installed in the middle of the canyon and they waited… and waited… and waited a little longer…

"Huh," a puzzled Caboose said. "He didn't come out the other side."

"Yeeeeeaaaahhhh," Church agreed, rubbing his arm nervously. "I've uh… I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter." With that, he leapt off the roof and ran off into the canyon. "Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag."

Over at Red Base, Grif was scanning the gulch with his sniper rifle while Simmons stood behind him. "I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear _any_ shots."

"I'm telling you," Grif sighed. "It was four shots, like bam, bam, bam."

"Wait a second," Simmons said. "That was only three bams."

Grif scowled at him. "Bam…" Then he spotted movement on the Blue Base and he looked over in time to see Church setting off. "Wait a second; we've got a Blue guy on the move out there."

"Where's he headed?" Simmons asked, suddenly on the alert.

Grif looked around and spotted another figure running from side to side. "Aw crap. It's… it's Donut! And he's got something. It looks like…" He adjusted the zoom on the scope, stared silently for a few moments then he turned to his teammate slowly. "Simmons, get the Warthog."

"You mean the Puma?" Simmons chuckled.

"Yeah, keep making jokes," Grif sighed, rolling his eyes as they ran towards the jeep. "That'll win the war."

* * *

**Finally, we're about to get some action!**


	6. 121 Gigawhats?

**Here's Episode 6 and things are kicking up a notch.**

* * *

Chapter 6: 1.21 Giga-whats?

As he scanned the canyon, Grif suddenly spotted a figure running towards them. "Aw crap. It's… it's Donut! And he's got something. It looks like…" He adjusted the zoom on the scope, stared silently for a few moments then he turned to his teammate slowly. "Simmons, get the Warthog."

"You mean the Puma?" Simmons joked and was punched in the face for that.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the canyon, Donut had stopped for a breather when a voice yelled out, "Freeze!"

Donut wheeled round and saw a Spartan in cobalt blue armor standing at the bottom of a hill, holding an assault rifle in his hands. "Hey, why the hell were you shooting at me? You coulda hit me, you dick."

"Can it," Church snapped, pointing the rifle at the Red rookie's head. "Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now."

"I just got here two hours ago," Donut replied shakily. "And I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private."

Church stared at Donut for a moment then lowered his gun in astonishment. "Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!"

"Yes," Donut replied impatiently. "That's what I just said."

"Well, then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?" Church asked, reaching out to grab the flag.

But Donut whipped it out of reach. "Steal? I have no idea what the hell you are talking about…"

Suddenly, from nowhere, a second Spartan wearing armor blackened in ash popped out between them with a shout of "Three!"

Church and Donut jumped back in alarm. "JESUS!" Church yelled.

"HOLY SHIT!" Donut yelped. "Who is this guy?"

Church stared at the new arrival in amazement. "What in the hell? Tucker, is that you?"

Tucker turned to his leader in equal shock. "How did you get up here ahead of me?"

"And what's with the black shit on your armor?" Donut asked.

At this, Tucker turned and pointed his pistol at Donut. "Hey, freeze Sarge!"

"Will you stop calling me a Sergeant?" Donut shouted. "I'm still just a Private!"

"The Sarge is still a Private?" Tucker asked in confusion, lowering his pistol. Then a sudden thought crossed his mind. "Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time!"

Back at Red Base, Grif and Simmons ran past Lopez towards the Warthog. "Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep," Grif said, jumping into the driver's seat.

"I'll take gunner," Simmons added, climbing behind the machine gun. "Let's roll!"

Grif started the engine and ranchero music blared from the speakers. As they drove off, Simmons called back, "Don't worry Lopez, I'll bring her back in one piece."

But Lopez silently had his doubts as he heard Grif yell, "How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?"

Back in the canyon, Church and Donut stood in stunned silence as Tucker started to explain himself to them. "Look, I know you don't know me," he said slowly to his leader, "but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Some time in _your future_, I get stationed here at Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here…" He pointed to Donut. "He gets promoted to Sergeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep and I'm all like 'There is _no way_ you can pick up chicks in a tank!'"

Church stared at his teammate like he'd gone round the twist. "Tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?"

"I know all this sounds crazy," Tucker reassured. "But he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted."

"Is this guy a retard?" Donut whispered to Church.

"Red, shut up!" Church yelled then he turned to his newly blackened teammate as upbeat music started to grow in volume behind them. "Tucker, listen to me. You haven't gone back in time, okay? This _is_ the guy who stole the flag; he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just- for God's sake, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC?!"

At that moment, the Warthog leapt over a nearby hill with Grif yelling, "WOOOOHOOOO!"

"Son of a bitch!" Church yelped, jumping aside moments before the jeep could land on top to him.

"Holy shit!" Tucker dived out of the way of the jeep.

Church then turned and fled from the Reds. "RUN! Jesus, run!"

"The jeep followed me back in time!" Tucker gasped, running after his leader.

As the jeep screeched to a halt, Simmons opened fire on the retreating Blues, making them jump and yelp as they raced for the safety of the cliffs. "Yeah, that's right!" he jeeered. "Get off your ass and run, you cockbites!"

Grif meanwhile climbed out of the driver's seat and ran up to Donut. "What the hell is going on here?"

"You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on," Donut fumed. "I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane!"

Grif then turned to the Blues' flag. "How did you get their flag?"

"I don't know," Donut shrugged. "I just asked for it."

Grif did a quick double take. "Wait, that worked?"

"I guess," Donut replied. "Is it not supposed to?"

"I don't know, we… we never even thought to _try_ that," Grif admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. "Just take the flag back to the base, I'll explain there."

But Donut dug his feet in. "Not until someone tells me what the fuck is goi-"

"There's no time to explain, rookie," Grif interrupted. "Just take the flag and go to base! I'll explain everything there."

"Fine!" Donut snapped then he grabbed the flag and ran back the way he'd come.

"Back to _our_ base, dumbass," Grif groaned.

Donut skidded to a halt, turned around and ran the opposite direction. "Uh, I know, I just got turned around, that's all."

At the Blue Base, Caboose watched the scene through the scope of Church's sniper rifle. "Oh man, that's not good," he murmured as he observed the Warthog. "Oh my God, that jeep has a really big gun." As he put the sniper down, he glanced over at the tank and wondered if he should stay at the base like Church asked him, or if he should get in the tank and go help them. "Stay here… Tank… Say here… Tank… Ah, screw it!" he sighed, running towards the tank.

Back in the canyon, Church and Tucker had taken refuge behind a large boulder, but Simmons kept shooting at them and yelling. "Come on, Blue! Get out here! I got a whole barrel of love to shoot you with! Come on, poke your head out so I can shoot it!"

"Well, we'll just stay here," Church decided. "That thing's gotta run out of bullets sometime."

* * *

**Yeah, right. They're in real trouble now.**


	7. Check Out the Treads on this Chick

**Here is Episode 7 and things are starting to get interesting.**

* * *

Chapter 7: Check Out the Treads on this Chick

On the roof of the Blue Base, Caboose watched in horror through the sniper scope as Simmons opened fire with the Warthog's machine gun, shooting at Church and Tucker as they ran for cover. "Oh my God, that jeep has a really big gun," he murmured. As he put down the sniper, he glanced over at the tank and wondered if he should stay at the base like Church asked him, or if he should get in the tank and go help them. "Stay here… Tank… Stay here… Tank… Ah, screw it," he sighed, running towards the tank.

From their hiding place behind a large boulder on the cliff side, Church and Tucker listened as the machine gun riddled at their cover and Simmons' insults riddled at their egos. "My God," Church cried out, shaking his head. "Doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?"

"You know, in hindsight, we probably should have brought the tank," Tucker thought aloud.

"Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?" Church pointed out.

"Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy," Tucker countered.

"Well, yeah, but…" Church sighed, knowing he was beaten. "Oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to you."

Meanwhile, back at Blue Base, Caboose opened the canopy of the tank and jumped into the driver's seat. As the canopy closed, the engine started and a soft feminine mechanical voice issued from the vehicle's speakers. "Hello and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila."

Caboose started at the voice before realizing where it was coming from. "Hello… Sheila," he murmured meekly. "Big tank lady."

"Would you like me to run the tutorial program?" Sheila asked politely.

"Oh that would be very nice," Caboose answered, reassured by the tank's manners. "Thank you."

"Tutorial program activated," Sheila announced. "This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-Class tank. Let's begin with some driving."

"Okay," Caboose said nervously as the tank started to drive off.

Back in the canyon, as Simmons continued to shoot at the Blues, Grif looked round towards the cliff and an idea came to mind. "Simmons," he called out then louder, "SIMMONS!"

At last, Simmons stopped firing the machine gun and jumped down next to Grif who was shaking his head and tapping the sides of his helmet to check his ears were still working. "Man, that thing is _loud!_"

But Simmons' own ears were still ringing from the gun's firing. "WHAT?"

Grif pointed to the other side of the boulder, unaware of Sheila rolling past behind them. "Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get them out."

"OKAY!" Simmons shouted as his hearing slowly returned.

"Keep it down!" Grif hissed. "Jesus. Let's go, before they figure out what's going on."

Nearby, Caboose had somehow managed to get Sheila stuck on top of a rock. Aware of the damage being caused to her armor, Sheila quickly decided to move on. "Now that you have mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features."

As she carefully reversed off the rock, Caboose started to panic as he struggled to work out the controls. "No, no, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?"

Meanwhile, behind their boulder, Church glanced around to investigate the sudden silence then he turned back to Tucker and hissed, "Psst! Hey, they stopped firing."

"Why are you whispering?" Tucker asked in a normal tone.

"Um, I don't know," Church admitted.

Down below them, Grif and Simmons had reached a point on the cliff where they found that they couldn't climb up. "Aw, crap," Grif sighed. "I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way."

"Tell me again," Simmons asked in growing anger. "Uh, why did we get out of the jeep?"

"Well," Grif replied with a shrug. "I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot at rocks all day long."

"Well at least that was fun," Simmons shouted.

Suddenly, both Spartans became aware of something rumbling behind them. As one they turned round… and found themselves staring down the barrel of a Scorpion-Class tank's cannon.

"Hooolyy crap," Grif gulped. "What in God's name is _that_ thing?"

Behind the rock, Tucker had seen that the Warthog was empty and felt now was the time to jump in and steal it, but Church was still very cautious. "Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out."

"No they're not, look," the blackened Spartan argued, pointing at the abandoned Warthog. "They left the jeep. They're gone."

Church took a look down. "Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy but…" He sighed and shook his head. "Alright, screw it, let's go get it."

Below them, the two Reds just watched as Sheila moved her turret between them. "Dude, hold still," Grif told Simmons through a private COM-channel in his helmet. "I don't think it sees us."

At that moment, Sheila's cannon stopped over Grif's head and in the tracking computer, a loud beeping tone indicated she was locked on…

* * *

**Oh boy, now the Reds are in for it.**


	8. Don't Ph34r the Reaper

**Readers so far, be warned: before this episode is over, someone you might have liked will suffer a terrible death!**

_**Sarge**_**: I sure hope it's Grif.**

**Hey get out of here, Sarge! You're not in this episode. Anyway…**

* * *

Chapter 8: Don't Ph34r the Reaper

As the tank slowly moved her turret between the two Reds, Grif turned slowly and carefully to Simmons. "Why is it just _sitting there?_"

"Just trying to mess with our heads," Simmons hissed out of the corner of his mouth. "Let's get back to the Warthog."

Inside the driver's cabin, Sheila gave Caboose the next instruction. "This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button."

As Sheila continued with a warning that the action would switch off the tutorial program, Caboose glanced around the control panel. "Auto-fire, auto-fire… ha, here! No wait… okay that's more of a switch than a button."

Outside, the Reds prepared themselves to flee. "Okay, you ready?" Simmons asked. "Let's do this on three. One…"

"Wait," Grif interrupted. "On three, or three and _then_ go?"

"_On_ three," Simmons replied. "It's _always_ faster to go on three."

"Okay, okay, on three," Grif agreed.

But by then, Caboose had located the auto-fire button. "Here!" he yelled as he slammed his hand on it.

"Tutorial deactivated," Sheila warned. "Auto-fire sequence activated."

"Ready?" Simmons asked.

Grif nodded as Sheila started to move her turret towards them. "Acquiring target."

Behind the rock, Church turned to Tucker. "I'm going for the jeep. Cover me."

"One…" Simmons started to count; unaware that Grif was already backing away.

As the orange Spartan's withdrawal turned into a full-blown sprint, Sheila suddenly focused her sights on him. "Target acquired."

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit," Grif panted as he neared the Warthog.

"Two…" Simmons continued.

"Target locked," Sheila announced as she locked on to Grif's back.

Church meanwhile was racing down the cliff, puffing and panting as he approached the jeep.

"Three!" Simmons yelled but as he turned to run, he saw that Grif had nearly reached the vehicle. "Oh, you backstabbing cock-bite!"

"Firing main cannon," Sheila announced. With a booming roar, the cannon opened fire and the Warthog was engulfed in a massive explosion.

"Son of a bitch!" Simmons gasped in horror.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Grif screamed in terror.

"Son of a bitch!" Church yelped in alarm.

From the roof of Red Base, Lopez saw the plume of smoke and he knew what had happened immediately then he saw the tank rolling down the valley, firing its cannon and he heard the cussing of Grif and Simmons as they ran for their lives.

Meanwhile, Church quickly withdrew back to the rock where Tucker was waiting. "Hey dude, the jeep blew up."

"No kidding," Church panted, glaring at his blackened teammate. "Thanks for the update, _Tucker._"

Nearby, Simmons was also glaring at his teammate as they dashed behind a large rock. "'Hey I have a great idea'," he said, mocking Grif's voice with heavy sarcasm. "'Let's get out of the jeep and sneak around the back of the rock.' GREAT PLAN, YOU IDIOT!" he yelled, smacking the back of Grif's helmet.

On the other side, Sheila glanced around for any movement. "All targets eliminated," she decided with a smug tone in her voice as she raised the turret around. "Acquiring new target."

From their hiding place on the cliff, Church peeked round and spotted Caboose inside the tank. "Hey Tucker, look at this, man. It's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds."

"What?" Tucker cried out, looking over his leader's shoulder. "No way!"

With a chuckle, Church stepped out onto the cliff and called down to Caboose. "Hey rookie, good job, man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?"

Hearing the voice, Sheila turned her turret up towards him. "New target acquired."

"That's not a target," Caboose said nervously. "That's Church."

"Yeah that's right," Church yelled down unaware of the danger. "It's me, Church. What's going on, man?"

By then, Sheila had locked on to the Blue leader's position. "Target locked."

"What? No!" Caboose started pounding on the auto-fire button in panic. "Target unlock. Unlock! Please help me, nice lady."

But his pleas went unheard. "Firing main cannon."

"Uh-oh," Caboose gulped.

On the cliff, Tucker spotted the danger and retreated behind the rock. "Uh-oh."

"What?" Church asked before turning round and seeing the cannon aimed right at him. "Oh, son of a b-"

KABOOOOOOOMMMM! Sheila fired her cannon and Church was sent flying into the air by the explosion, smacking against the rock face before crashing back on the ledge with a loud sickening, bone-crunching, organs-rupturing thud.

"Holy Fuck!" Tucker cried out, running out of cover. "Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church!" He glared daggers down at a nervous Caboose. "You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!"

With a gulp of worry, Caboose pressed the auto-fire button one last time. "Auto-fire sequence deactivated," Sheila announced… but the damage was already done

From where he lay slowly bleeding to death, Church managed to roll over and call out weakly, "Tucker… T-Tucker!"

"Church!" Tucker gasped, kneeling beside his CO. "It's going to be okay, man."

"No," Church grunted in pain. "Ah… I'm no-I'm not gonna make it." He then looked up at his teammate. "Tucker… there's something I need to tell you."

"What is it?" Tucker asked in concern.

"I just want you to know…" Church moaned. "I always hated you… I always hated you the most."

"Yeah I know you did," Tucker sighed, getting back to his feet. "Now, hurry up and die, you prick."

"Okay," Church groaned and breathed his last. "Herk… bleah!"

* * *

***hums a few bars of Taps to herself* Well, that can't be good for moral.**


	9. After Church

**Here we are at Chapter 9 and things are looking grim for both sides.**

* * *

Chapter 9: After Church

Taking advantage of the tank's distraction, Grif and Simmons high-tailed it back to the Red Base and dashed onto the roof where Donut was waiting with the Blue flag. "What happened?"

Grif bent double as he panted for breath. "Big… Tank… Shooting… Whooooh!"

Simmons shook his head at him. "Damn, man. We only ran like, 300 feet. You are really out of shape."

"Fuck… You…" Grif sighed, with a glare at his teammate.

Donut then realized something was missing. "Where's your car?"

"General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind," Simmons replied, thumbing at the recovering Grif.

"Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up," Grif retorted.

"You lost the jeep?" Donut cried out. "Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?"

Right on cue, an explosion rang out across the canyon and the burning wreck of the Warthog flipped up from below and landed right next to the three Reds.

"What the hell?" Grif gasped before another explosion slammed into the Base's side. "Son of a bitch!"

"Holy crap," Donut yelped, his face paling as he spotted Sheila. "What the hell is that thing?"

"That's the tank!" Grif cried hysterically as he and Simmons ducked down by the ramp.

Donut suddenly remembered he was still holding the flag. "Hey uh, Grif, uh you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?"

"No!" Grif screamed, backing away from Donut. "Keep that away from me!"

Fifty feet away, Tucker watched as Sheila fired another round which sent the Warthog crashing through the Base's skylight. "Why do you keep firing at the jeep?"

"Because it's locked on," Caboose called out from the driver's seat.

"Target locked," Sheila replied in confirmation.

"Well, unlock it!" Tucker ordered.

"Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!" Caboose reminded his fellow super-soldier.

"Oh right…" Tucker murmured, paling under his blackened armor. "Keep shooting the jeep, then."

Over at Red Base, Donut looked up from his hiding place behind a roof barrier at his teammates as Sheila's next round blasted the doors open. "I hate to be the one to point this out, guys, but I think we're screwed."

"Yeah," Simmons sighed in defeat. "I have to agree with the rookie on this one."

But then, the radios in their helmets activated and a gruff voice called out to them. "Blood Gulch Outpost #1. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-"

"Oh my God," Grif cried out, switching his com-link on. "Sarge, is that you?"

"Roger that, Private," Sarge replied. "I am currently in-bound to your position from Command."

Simmons activated his own comm. "Sir, this is Simmons."

"Hello Simmons," Sarge said fondly. "I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone."

"Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now," Grif replied, rubbing the back of his neck. "The new rookie arrived and somehow he managed to infiltrate the Blue Base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their guys is _dead_, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base."

For a moment, their radios were silent save for some static. Then Sarge answered, "Am I talking to the right base?"

"Sarge," Grif snapped. "We, are going, to _die _here!"

"Well then, hold tight boys," Sarge informed them. "I think I gotta solution to your little 'tank' problem."

Outside the Red Base, a shadow suddenly flew over the valley and Tucker looked up to see a Pelican-Class drop-ship flying overhead. "Uh-oh," he gulped then he ran off to a safe distance. "Hey Caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank… like RIGHT NOW!"

Caboose was smashing buttons and flipping switches in panic. "I can't figure out how to get this thing open!"

"Night vision engaged," Sheila announced calmly.

"Rookie, get out NOW!" Tucker yelled at him.

As the Pelican started dropping shells closer and closer to the tank, Caboose tried pushing on the canopy with little success. "Okay, open the duh, okay," he was panting in fear. "Sheila, will you please open the door?"

"Driver canopy open," Sheila answered, raising the roof up. As Caboose jumped out and scrambled away, she started her closing announcement. "Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle-"

KABLAAAAMMMM! A shell finally smashed into Sheila with enough power to flip her backwards onto her turret.

"Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap running running running!" Caboose gasped as he ran before stopping next to Tucker. "Man, that was close."

"Look at your tank, though," Tucker said, pointing behind the rookie.

Caboose turned to see a broken and upside down Sheila, letting off sparks. "_I'm scared, Dave. Will I dream?_" she warbled, her voice gradually fading as she ran out of power. "_Daaaiiissy… Daaaaiiiiissssyyyyy…_"

"SHEEEEEEEIILAAAAA! NOOOOOO!" Caboose screamed.

"What? No, Sheila! Sheila!" Tucker cried out before frowning. "Wait, who's Sheila?"

"Sheila's the lady in the tank," Caboose sobbed, burying his helmeted face in his hands. "She was my friend…"

Tucker let the fact sink in before he smiled. "Oh, dude! I _knew_ you could pick up chicks in a tank," he cheered, moments before Caboose punched him in the visor.

* * *

**And thus ends the first battle of Blood Gulch.**


	10. A Shadow of his Former Self

**Here's Episode 10; expect creepiness and improbable things.**

* * *

Chapter 10: A Shadow of his Former Self

Having retreated back to base from their catastrophic attack, Tucker quickly got on the radio to their HQ. For several minutes, nothing came back but he kept trying. "Come in, Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?"

Meanwhile, Caboose finished wiping a chamois over Tucker's armor. "Ok, that's the last of it. Your armor is clean now."

"Did you get all the black stuff off?" Tucker asked, checking his teal armor.

Just then, the radio in his helmet buzzed and a voice responded. "This is Blue Command. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha."

Tucker sighed in relief as he recognized the voice of Vic, the communications officer of Blue Command. "Hello, Command. We need help."

"Roger that, Blood Gulch." At his console, Vic pulled up the Request for Help options on the computer and moved his mouse pointer over selections like: _Airstrikes, Weapon Shipments_ and _Reinforcements. _"What is your request?"

"I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but we're pretty fucked up down here," Tucker explained. "We need men!"

Vic paused at this. "Dude… how long have you guys been down there?"

"No, no, no, not like that," Tucker groaned. "We need more men to help us."

"Roger that," Vic realized his mistake and clicked on the _Reinforcements_ option. As the computer loaded, he then asked, "Did you get the tank we sent?"

"Yeah, that got blown up too."

"Wow. Sucks to be you."

"Yeah, we know."

Then the computer finished loading and Vic glanced at the two options available. "Okay, here's what I can do: The nearest Blue forces can be there in sixteen days or I-"

"Sixteen days?!" Tucker cried out. "That's almost two weeks!"

"_Or_," Vic continued, "I can hire a nearby Freelancer and get him there in a few hours."

"I like the 'in an hour' one," Caboose suggested.

"Yeah, me too," Tucker agreed. "Roger that, Command. We prefer the quicker solution."

"10-4, Blood Gulch," Vic replied, clicking on the _Freelancer_ option and finding the name closest to the planet. "We will contact Freelancer Tex and have him there posthaste. Command out."

As Vic signed off, Tucker called out, "Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank."

"What's a Freelancer?" Caboose asked.

"Freelancers are independent," Tucker explained. "They're not Red or Blue. They're just guns for hire who'll fight for whoever has the most money."

"Like a mercenary," Caboose said, nodding in understanding.

"Right, or like your mom when the rent's due," Tucker joked.

Caboose thought for a moment and then laughed. "Oh, that's funny."

"Yeah? You didn't think that was too obvious?" Tucker asked.

"No, no, not at all," Caboose replied. "It was good."

But their humor was cut short when a spooky voice suddenly called out behind them, "Tuuucckeeer… Tuuuuucckeeerrrr…"

The two Spartans spun round and almost jumped out of their armor in fright as they saw a ghostly white figure standing before them. "Who the hell are you?" Tucker yelled.

"I am the ghost of Chuurrrch," the figure replied eerily. "And I've come back with a waarrrniiinnngg…"

"You're not Church," Caboose retorted. "Church is blue. You're white."

"Rookie, shut up, man!" Church shouted in his normal voice. "I'm a freaking ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?"

"Yeah, that's definitely him," Tucker agreed.

"Now I gotta start all over again…" Church cleared his throat and began speaking in a spooky voice again. "Tuuckerr, Tuuuucckeeerrr, I've come back with a waaarrrnninnng…"

"Is it _really_ necessary to do the voice?" Tucker asked with slight irritation.

"Yeah, it's kinda annoying," Caboose agreed.

"Fine," Church sighed in exasperation. "Ok, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-"

"What's the warning?" Caboose interrupted.

"Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!" Church yelled.

"Oh, sorry," Caboose murmured.

"Seriously, man," Church sighed, putting a hand over his visor. "I mean, I'm coming back from the Great Beyond here. Do you think this is easy? It's not. It's not like just, you know, pop in and out whenever I feel like it. It takes a lot of concentration."

"Sorry," Caboose muttered, lowering his head in shame.

"I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man." Church took a deep breath to calm himself down before turning to Tucker. "Okay, here's the deal-"

"Is this the warning?" Caboose interrupted again.

"Ok that's it," Church snapped. "I swear to _God,_ Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you."

"Yeah, you're even starting to bug _me,_" Tucker agreed.

Church glanced at Caboose in case he interrupted again then turned to the other Blue. "Ok, Tucker. You remember that I told you that I was stationed at Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?"

"No," Tucker replied.

"Sidewinder?" Caboose asked, tilting his head to one side. "Isn't that the ice planet?"

"Yes," Church answered.

"Cool! What was _that_ like?"

"Um, it was _cold._"

"That's it, just cold?" Caboose asked, deflated.

"What do you want from me, a poem?" Church yelled angrily. "It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's _really… fucking… cold!_"

"Will you just let him talk?" Tucker said as he got between them.

Church nodded. "Alright, well…"

_Flashback_

_In the middle of a deep crevasse on the planet Sidewinder, an army of Blues were standing around their Base, shivering with the cold. As they kept watch, Church marched past them with a younger soldier walking alongside, chatting affably to him._

"One day when I was there, everything was as normal," Church told his team. "I remember, I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid. Everybody liked him."

"Do you think I was a good kid, Church?" Tucker asked.

"Tucker, don't get jealous, man," Church scolded. "Just listen to the story, OK? Like I said, the guys were hanging around, waiting for some action, bitching about the cold…"

"_Man, it's fucking cold," one of the Blues shivered._

"_I hope we get some action," his friend agreed._

_Nearby, Church and Jimmy came to a stop by some trees while the latter finished his story._

"Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home."

_Jimmy pulled out a small box and opened it, revealing a small gold ring with a sparkling blue ice diamond shaped like a heart set into it. Church whistled in admiration at the ring, because he knew that blue ice diamonds were one of the rarest jewels in the galaxy, only found on icy planets like Sidewinder. He assumed that Jimmy had saved up his military earnings to get it._

_"Yep," Jimmy said with a smile. "As soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me."_

"And that's when Tex showed up…"

_Behind them, a camouflaged figure ran past them, causing Church to look round._

"Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden he started screaming bloody murder."

_Everyone turned at the shouts to see Mickey shooting at thin air, all the while screaming, "Bloody Murder! Bloody Murder!" But then Tex grabbed Mickey's head and twisted it violently around, cutting off his screams._

"The whole thing was over before it even started," Church said, shuddering at the memory.

_Tex ran around the Blues, taking them out one by one. Church and Jimmy pulled out their weapons and started firing, but Tex, still invisible, came round the back and grabbed Jimmy from behind._

"Poor Jimmy was the last one to go… Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it."

"Wait a second," Tucker interrupted. "How do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible."

"That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming," Church replied.

_Church watched in horror as Tex ripped Jimmy's skull out of his head and started beating him to death with it. "This doesn't seem physically possible!" Jimmy screamed before collapsing to the ground and dying. "Herk! Bleah…"_

_As Church stepped back in fear, Tex knelt down, grabbed Jimmy's bloodstained ring box, looked up at him with a smile and then ran off across the snowy fields._

"Bottom line is, these Freelancers, they're bad news and Tex is one of the worst…"

"If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?" Caboose asked.

_As Tex disappeared into the growing blizzard, Church turned around to discover his entire team dead, their blood staining the rocks and the snow._

_End Flashback_

"To tell ya, I don't know _why_ I'm not dead," Church admitted. "Could have killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into each other once before."

"Where?" Tucker asked.

"You, er… remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason we never got married." Church looked down at his feet, only to discover they had disappeared and his legs were starting to vanish too. "Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here."

"Ok," Tucker replied.

"I mean it, Tucker," Church warned. "No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it…" But he faded away before he could finish his warning.

Tucker turned to Caboose. "So… Tex and Church were after the same girl."

"I told you his girlfriend was a slut," Caboose agreed.

By then, a figure in black armor had reached the Blue base, the sun glinting on the blue ice diamond ring hanging from a chain around its neck…

* * *

***starts humming Tex's theme* Now things are getting intriguing.**


	11. Knock Knock Who's There? Pain

**On to Episode 11, and an introduction to the Blues' newest member.**

* * *

Chapter 11: Knock Knock Who's there? Pain

At the Red Base, while Lopez examined the damage done to the Warthog, Grif explained to Sarge everything that had happened while he'd been gone. "And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock, but, uh, well that's when the tank showed up and, shit just started blowing up, I don't know…" His voice trailed off.

Sarge let out an exasperated sigh. "Grif, do you have any Godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?"

Grif shrugged. "I don't know, what like, ten, te- twenty, twenty-five bucks, maybe? Uh, you're gonna kill me now, aren't you?" he murmured when he saw Sarge's withering look.

Sarge nodded and smiled an evil smile. "Tell you what, Grif, I'm a fair man. I'll give you a ten second head start here before I let Lopez do anything he wants to you." As he spoke, Lopez dropped his tools, stood up and reached for his assault rifle.

Grif stepped back in alarm. "Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry here and-"

"Five Mississippi," Sarge counted, cocking his shotgun while Lopez raised his rifle. "Six Mississippi…"

"Okay, I guess I better get going," Grif said as he ran off.

After just two seconds, Sarge and Lopez glanced at each other and set off after Grif, firing their weapons. As the bullets flew all around him, Grif yelped in alarm, "Hey come on, guys, that's not funny. Somebody could get hurt here!"

Over at the Blue Base, Tex was firing his pistol to get its sights in while Tucker gave him the sitrep. "That's basically it, sir," he finished. "They have five guys over there and a big jeep."

"And your flag," Tex reminded him in a deep voice as he reloaded.

"Right, that too," Tucker murmured, ashamed that he'd forgotten why they hired him.

Tex then grabbed a plasma grenade and threw it in the direction he'd been shooting. Moments before it exploded, there was a loud yelp of alarm. Tucker quickly stepped in at this point. "Uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here."

Next to a bullet-riddled barrier, Caboose cautiously poked his head up from the ramp he'd dived at when the grenade was tossed at him. "I'm scared," he whimpered.

Tex turned round to check his other weapons, giving Caboose a chance to run next to Tucker, who decided to start a conversation with their new teammate. "So, you've got the Special Forces black armor, I see. Were you in the Special Forces at some point?"

Tex ignored him as he reloaded his pistol, but Tucker didn't seem to notice. "Yeah, I used to have black armor too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th-" But then Tex jumped off the roof of the Base. "Oh okay, you gotta go?" Tucker called out. "I'll see you later."

"I don't think he likes you," Caboose whispered out the corner of his mouth.

"Thanks," Tucker sighed then he ran up to the side of the roof, watching Tex run across the canyon. "Where are you going?"

Tex stopped and pointed to the other side of the canyon. "Red Base," he told them. "Kill everybody. Get the flag back."

As the Freelancer set off again, Caboose called out, "Oh… Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans… porter."

Back at Red Base, Grif had hidden in a cupboard to avoid Sarge and Lopez's wrath and when he came out, he found Simmons waiting for him who asked what Sarge told him. "So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit," Grif lied, "but was poorly executed, probably because somebody didn't believe in it…"

"Bullshit," Simmons retorted. "He told me he thought you were a retarded monkey, and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges."

Grif started to laugh at this, but then as he passed Sarge, the Red commander ripped Grif's weapons out of his hands and marched off. As Simmons chuckled at his fellow Spartan's glum face, Donut appeared round the corner, carrying the blue flag over his shoulder. "Hey, since I captured the flag, do you think they'll give me my own color armor now?"

"What do you mean 'captured'?" Simmons asked puzzled. "You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot."

"Still, you think there's a shot?" Donut persevered.

Simmons then gave an evil laugh. "Maybe they'll give you Grif's armor since he destroyed the Warthog."

"Yeah," Grif chuckled then his face fell. "Wait, you don't… you don't think they do that, do you?" he murmured, knowing that the only way someone else got your armor was if you were killed in action.

Outside, Lopez was busy repairing the Warthog while Sarge stood behind him, offering vague suggestions to him. "Try connecting that hose to that metal thingie over there. I think that's what's makin' that rattle."

Finally having enough, Lopez pulled out his pistol and without turning his head, pointed it straight at Sarge's visor, making the CO step back. "Ah, think I'll let you do it."

With a smile, Lopex holstered his gun and returned to his work. At that moment, Tex switched on her cloaking device and ran behind them, making Sarge look round. "What the…? What was that?"

On the Base's roof, the other Reds were keeping an eye out for trouble when Grif saw Simmons flinch and look down. "Simmons, what's going on? What's over there?"

"I thought I saw something for a second," the maroon soldier answered as he peered over the edge, unaware that the invisible Tex was slipping round the side of the Base, waiting to strike like a cobra.

Grif slowly turned to Donut, who was still holding the blue flag. "Hey rookie, tuck the flag somewhere safe until we can figure out what's goin' on."

"Good idea," Donut said, tossing the flag through the broken skylight. "I was sick of carrying this thing anyway."

Unnoticed by the Reds, Tex grabbed a pebble and flung it onto the other side of the roof, making them turn round. "Did you hear that?" Simmons asked in a hushed voice.

"Yeah," Grif nodded.

"Hey, what's going on?" Donut whispered and was immediately shushed.

Tex took this opportunity to take out a plasma grenade and lob it at the Reds.

Hearing a hissing noise behind them, Grif turned round and jumped back in alarm. "What the fuck?"

"What?" Donut asked, unaware of the highly explosive ball stuck to the back of his head.

Simmons turned too and stared at the ball in concern. "What is _that_ thing?"

"What thing?" Donut cried out, starting to panic.

Grif swallowed nervously. "There's something on your head…"

"What, is it a spider?" Donut yelped, swiping at his head. "Get it off!"

"No, it's not a spider," Simmons replied. "It's like a… blue thing…"

"What, like a blue spider?" Donut panicked. "GET IT OFF!"

"It's not a spider, calm down," Grif said unsurely. "It's some kinda, fuzzy, pulsating thing."

"That doesn't sound much better than a spider," Donut growled.

"Does it hurt?" Simmons asked curiously.

"No…" Donut replied, afraid of where this was going.

Simmons then turned to Grif. "Maybe we should try to take it off."

"Good idea," Grif agreed. "Go for it."

"_Me?_" Simmons asked. "By 'we', I meant 'you', asshole."

"Well, somebody needs to get it off," Donut cut in. "Look, it might be dangerous."

At that moment, the grenade went off with a loud BOOOOMMM!

"SON OF A BITCH!" Grif and Simmons yelled in alarm.

As Simmons fainted to the ground, Tex made his move. He uncloaked and leapt onto the roof, punching Grif in the back. Before the Red could react, Tex whipped around and slammed the butt of his pistol into Grif's side.

"Sim- where'd he go?" Grif winced, turning round in panic. Tex then pulled out his rifle and smashed it into Grif's stomach, making the orange Spartan collapse to his knees. The Freelancer then pulled out his pistol and pointed it at Grif.

"Don't kill me," Grif pleaded. "I'm too good-looking to die!"

He caught a glimpse of Tex's smile and the glimmer of a diamond ring on a chain round his neck before Grif felt a painful crack on the back of his head and everything went black…

* * *

**Uh-oh, the Reds are in trouble now.**


	12. Down, But Not Out

**Here's Episode 12 and things are about to take a turn.**

* * *

Chapter 12: Down, but Not Out

At the Blue Base, Caboose watched through the sniper rifle's scope as Tex attacked the Red Base. From here, he could hear Grif yelling out, "Sim- where'd he go? Don't kill me; I'm too good-looking to die!"

"Man," Caboose murmured in awe. "He is really kicking their asses."

Tucker was sulking behind him. "How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?"

Caboose lowered the rifle and turned to Tucker. "I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs."

"Sure makes things a lot easier on us," Tucker agreed.

"Yeah," Caboose nodded. "I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade."

"It definitely seems like _your killing Church_ is starting to work out for us," Tucker said pointedly.

"Ya know, you think so?" Caboose asked, rubbing the back of his head. "You know I was gonna say something but, uh, well you know…" He tailed off.

"Did Tex get inside the base?" Tucker asked.

Caboose looked through the scope and managed to see Tex jump off the roof and run into the Red Base's door. "Yeah."

The Blues turned to look through the skylight, hoping that Tex would find the auto-return button on the flag's mast that would teleport it back to their Base. Seconds later, there was a flash of light and the flag appeared in its usual spot. "Blue team, flag returned."

They jumped at that deep voice and turned round. "What the…?" Tucker cried out. "Who said that?"

"Sorry, that was me," the ghostly figure said as he stepped forward, clearing his throat. "I uh, I guess I got something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way."

"Hey, it's Church," Caboose cried out excitedly.

"Yeah, it's me," Church replied. "Hey, Caboose."

"Hey, Church," Caboose said with a peppy wave. "What're you up to?"

Church chuckled embarrassedly. "Caboose, I'm not really here to make small talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get the flag back?"

Tucker glanced nervously at Caboose, knowing they'd disobeyed his warning. "Wh-What? Oh th-that flag? We've always had _that._"

But Church didn't buy that lie. "Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey wait a second… Where's Tex?"

"I'm not sure," Tucker lied with a shrug. "He said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, Elbow Grease…"

"Oh great," Church growled furiously. "This is so _typical!_ What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?"

"That… Sidewinder is cold?" Caboose said cluelessly.

Church sighed. "What was the _other _one thing I told you?"

"Not to let him get involved?" Tucker guessed.

"Right," Church scolded. "And what did you do?"

"We let him get involved," Tucker sighed, hanging his head in shame.

"And not a little involved," Church prompted. "How involved?"

"Very, very involved," Caboose murmured, his sheepishness reflecting Tucker's.

Inside the Red Base, Tex had just sent the flag back to the Blues and turned to leave when Sarge emerged at the doorway, leveling his shotgun at the Freelancer's head. "Freeze," the Red commander growled.

Tex turned to run the other way, but Lopez was blocking that way, his assault rifle aimed for the heart. "Drop your weapon," Sarge commanded and Tex reluctantly obeyed.

As Sarge drew nearer, Tex stared him in the eye. "Hey buddy."

"What?" Sarge snarled.

"You really better hope the first one knocks me out," Tex replied. Sarge gave a short nod and slammed the butt of his gun on the top of Tex's head, knocking him out as he hoped.

On the roof, Grif slowly sat up, rubbing his throbbing head. "Ow, what the…" he moaned. "My freaking head, Jesus."

Nearby, Simmons was tending to the critically injured Donut. When he heard Grif moaning, he stood up and walked over, wiping his bloodied hands on his armor. "He's hurt, Grif," he explained grimly. "He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast."

"Yeah, yeah, hold on one second," Grif winced in pain. "What happened here? First Donut's head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and started-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait," Simmons interrupted. "I did not faint, something knocked me out."

"Okay, fine, keep lying to yourself," Grif replied in disbelief. "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

Simmons sighed. "Man, just go find Sarge. We need to get Donut outta here."

"Yeah, sure." Grif set off down the ramp but stopped at the bottom. "Oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking."

"Whatever," Simmons replied dismissively as he followed Grif down. "No one likes you anyway."

At the Blue Base, Caboose watched through the scope in horror as Grif and Simmons ran into their base. "Yep, he's definitely captured," he informed his team grimly. "Or dead… Captured or dead." He then let out a gasp. "Or captured _and _dead!"

"Oh, well that's just _perfect!_" Church yelled in anger.

"What?" Tucker cried out. "What is your problem? Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend."

Church shook his head. "I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married."

Caboose spun round at this, his eyes wide. "She?!"

Inside the Red Base, Sarge and Lopez had dragged Tex over to the brig when Simmons ran up to them, followed by a puffing and panting Grif. "Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted outta here."

"Could you put that in a memo and entitle it 'Shit I already know!'" Sarge snapped. "Get on the horn to Command!"

Lopez was pulling Tex upright when the Freelancer began to stir. "Well, look who's up," Sarge said with a sneer. "Rise 'n' shine, buttercup."

Tex pushed Lopez aside as sparks flew from his shoulder and static hissed through his helmet. Then the Freelancer spoke in a surprisingly feminine voice. "Oh great… you broke my voice filter. You cock-biting fucktards!"

The Reds all stared in amazement, except for Grif who crowed, "Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache _this_ big!"

Tex looked around at the stunned looks on her captors' faces. "What's the matter?" she asked curiously. "You never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?"

* * *

**Oh dear, Tex has been captured and exposed as a girl. This just keeps getting better, doesn't it?**


	13. Human Peer Bonding

**Back again with Episode 13 and we're about to learn a secret. By the way, to the reviewer who's worried about my mind burning out, it's still going strong, thank you.**

* * *

Chapter 13: Human Peer Bonding

At the Blue Base, Tucker shook his head in amazement as his mind went over everything Church had told him. "Let me get this straight," he said slowly. "You're saying that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of those Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?"

"In a nutshell, yes," Church confirmed. "That's an excellent summary."

"I should have known," Caboose moaned. "She didn't like me… Girls never like me…"

"Caboose, I don't think anyone likes you," Tucker told him unhelpfully.

"I like me…" Caboose whimpered in a small voice.

Tucker sighed and turned back to Church. "I don't think I've seen a girl that _mean_ before. Are you sure she's a chick and not a guy? Or like part guy, part shark?"

"I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy," Church replied. "And I'm _definitely _sure I would know if she was part shark."

"Whoa, wait, wait," Caboose cut in. "If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?"

"Uh, because she's from _Texas,_" Church answered as if it was obvious.

Caboose tilted his head to one side in confusion.

"Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive," Church shouted at Tucker, poking a finger through his chest and making the teal Spartan shudder. "It's not entirely her fault to begin with."

"Right, you should blame God," Tucker replied. "First he makes hangovers and now half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me." He looked up and shook his fist at the sky. "Thanks for nothing, God!"

"Will you shut up with that?" Church yelled, swiping his hand through Tucker's head. "She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this _really_ aggressive AI. I'm not sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell."

"AI…" Caboose wondered aloud. "What's the A stand for?"

"Artificial," Church explained

Caboose looked thoughtful again. "What's the I-"

"Intelligence."

"Ooohhhhhh-what was the A again?"

"Let's move on," Church sighed, feeling a headache build behind his eyes.

Tucker thought over what Church said. "So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all, she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?"

"Oh _hell_ no," Church replied. "She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements."

"Wow," Tucker muttered in amazement. "Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one." He then gave a smile. "Good catch there, buddy, she's a keeper."

Church then turned to his other, easily confused teammate. "So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?"

"I think so," Caboose murmured with a slight nod. "That guy Tex is really a robot and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you… a gay robot."

Church let out an exasperated sigh. "Yeah, that's right," he groaned sarcastically. "I'm a gay robot."

Over at Red Base, while Sarge and Lopez were getting medical aid for Donut, Grif and Simmons escorted an unarmed Tex into a jail cell and Simmons locked it using the special handprint scanner that was programmed to read his and Sarge's handprint. Grif meanwhile kept an eye on Tex in case she tried anything reckless. "So, you're a girl, huh?"

Tex just glowered daggers at him in silence. "Just ignore him," Simmons advised. "That's what I do."

Grif then nodded at Tex's empty guns and defused plasma grenades. "Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapons, are ya?"

"Hey, punk," Tex growled. "I don't need a weapon to kill you."

"Yeah, right," Grif snorted. "What're you gonna do, _punch_ me?"

At once, Tex stepped forward and raised her fist. She didn't swing it out but it was enough to make Grif flinch and jump back, hands over his visor. "Aaah, not the face!" Tex then lowered her fist and chuckled to herself.

Back at Blue Base, Church grinned at his teammates. "Well don't worry, because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex."

"A plan? Oh man," Tucker whined. "I _hate plans._ That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or… mission statement?"

But Church wouldn't have it. "I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex."

"Distraction?" Caboose chuckled nervously. "That sounds a lot like 'decoy'."

"The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many Freelancers we have out here," Church explained. "So all I need from the two of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base."

"Sounds good," Tucker agreed with a nod. "But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor?"

Without a word, Church nodded towards the teleporter. Tucker looked from the teleporter to Church before he realized what his leader was intending. "Oh, fuckberries…"

* * *

**Yep, Tucker's going through it again, and this time, he's not alone.**


	14. Roomier Than It Looks

**Here's Episode 14, one of my favorite episodes, because this was where the afore-mentioned references came from.**

* * *

Chapter 14: Roomier Than It Looks

In the middle of the canyon, Tucker emerged from the teleporter exit, his armor once again black and smoking slightly. Church then appeared next to him. "Are you okay, Tucker?"

"Yeah I'm fine," Tucker winced then he turned back towards the Blue Base. "Come on, Caboose!"

"Does it hurt?" Caboose called out.

"No, not at all," Tucker replied, stifling a giggle.

"Okay! Here I come," Caboose yelled back.

As Caboose leapt into the teleporter, Church turned to Tucker. "Does it hurt for real?"

"Ohh, yeah, big time," Tucker chuckled.

They both turned to the exit and seconds later, Caboose emerged, his armor as black and smoking as Tucker's. "Owwwwchie!" he cried out then he turned to glare at Tucker. "You lied to me…"

On the roof of Red Base, Sarge was scanning the canyon when he spotted movement. "Ah, dammit. Lopez, c'mere. Do you see something out there?" Lopez raised the sniper rifle to look round then turned to Sarge and simply shrugged.

Meanwhile, in the Base's brig, Grif and Simmons were watching Tex and still arguing. "There's no L in it," Simmons said. "It's pronounced both."

"That's what I'm saying," Grif argued. "Bolth."

"Both," Simmons repeated.

"You sound like such an _ass_ when you say that," Grif sighed.

Just then, Sarge's voice erupted through the speakers in Grif's helmet, almost deafening him. "Grif! Quit your yammering and get your keister up here. Need some help. Got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base."

"As in more than one?" Grif asked nervously. "Uh, maybe we should _bolth_ go, sir."

"BOTH!" Simmons shouted.

"Seriously, man, _like an ass,_" Grif murmured.

"Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank," Sarge replied sarcastically. "Why don't you both come up, leave the prisoner alone? We could just put her on the honor system - have her guard herself."

"Good point, sir," Grif replied sheepishly.

"YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT IS!" Sarge bellowed. "Now get your ass up here. We got just enough time for me to spray-paint the bull's-eye on your back." He then quickly cleared his throat. "Ah, by bull's-eye, I of course mean camouflage. Now move it, cupcake."

"Yeah, I'll be right up," Grif sighed as he ran out the brig.

On a nearby ledge, Church watched through his ghostly sniper rifle as Grif ran out the side of the Base and he quickly radioed his team. "Hey, Tucker, come in man. You there? This is Church. It's working. The orange one is coming out of the Base."

Down below, hidden behind a small hill in front of the Red Base, Tucker received his leader's transmission. "I repeat: the orange one is coming out of the Base."

"Roger that," Tucker replied.

"Oh, oh oh oh, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker! Is that… Is that Church?" Caboose called out, talking over Church's next transmission. "Tell him, that I… that I said… for me to say hi?"

"Whoa, wait, wait, hey, what?" Tucker said to Church. "I missed that, Caboose was talking to me." He then turned to Caboose. "Shut up man, I'm on the radio."

On the ledge, Church started to repeat his message. "I said, just keep movin-"

"I'm not yelling," Tucker interrupted. "I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. …No, I'll tell him you said 'hi' _later._ No, you can't talk to him. How can you possibly talk to him on my headset?"

Church sighed as he switched off his comm. and made his way towards the Base. "Oh my God. I can't believe I actually _died_ for this war."

On the roof of Red Base, Grif kept a look out with the sniper while the bull's-eye on his back dried. "I don't see any- Uh-oh," he said as he spotted a black figure run across the gulch. "Yep, there's one." He kept watching as the figure stopped next to a rock and stared right at it. "Why is he just standing there?"

From behind the hill, Tucker called out to his teammate, "Caboose, get behind the rock. They can still see you."

"They can't see me," Caboose retorted. "I can't see them!"

"That's because you're facing the rock," Tucker groaned, face-palming himself.

Caboose turned round and spotted the Base. "Oh, right," he realized and scurried behind the rock.

Tucker sighed and rolled his eyes. "Real smooth, dipshit."

Sarge watched Caboose's movements with growing worry. "They're definitely Special Ops," he murmured, unaware that Church had appeared behind him. "I ain't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidew-hgeekagerger!" he suddenly cried out as Church leapt into his body and suppressed his will.

Grif and Lopez turned round at Sarge's shouts. "Sir, are you okay?" Grif asked in concern.

By then, Church had completely taken over and was looking round in confusion. "Uh, who you talking to, Red, me?" he asked in a mix of his and Sarge's voice.

"No, I'm talking to Lopez," Grif replied sarcastically. "Because you know, that's _real_ rewarding." Lopez took a casual swing out, just missing as Grif stepped away. "Hey, what'd I tell you about that?"

"Oh, uh I-I'm fine," Church stumbled as he realized his mistake. "That's… I'm just so mad about these, uh, god damn Blues out here. They got me so _god damn mad,_ I could spit!" He then hocked up and spat onto Sarge's visor.

Grif stared at his CO in disgust. "Um… sir, did you just spit inside your own helmet?"

"Uh, yeah," Church replied in embarrassment. "I guess I did."

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Go ahead."

"That's really fucking gross."

Back in the canyon, Caboose slunk back to where his teammate was hiding. "Hey Tucker?"

"What?" Tucker sighed.

"I'm having a really good time… with… you," Caboose replied with a grin.

"That's great, Caboose," Tucker said with annoyance.

"Yeah," Caboose nodded. "It's like we're _real soldiers._"

"Would you please go hide behind another rock?" Tucker yelled.

Inside the Base, Church, still as Sarge, made his way to the brig where Simmons was guarding Tex. "Hey, man," he called out as he entered. "What's up, yo?"

"Um… hey?" Simmons replied, curious about Sarge's strange choice of words. "What's going on out there, sir?"

"What's, uh… why nothin'," Church replied. "Why would you ask if somethings wrong?"

"I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war," Simmons answered reasonably.

"Yeah, well, I don't know," Church replied as he looked for a way to get past Simmons and spring Tex. "You're starting to act kinda suspicious there… other Red guy. So I'm keeping my eye on you."

Simmons raised an eyebrow then turned back towards Tex. "Sarge, I'm starting to think that-" But he got no further as Church smashed his fist right into the Red's head. "OW, jeez, the back of my head!" Simmons cried as he slumped to the floor.

"What the hell are you doing?" Tex yelled.

Church quickly placed his hand on the scanner and unlocked the Freelancer's cell. "Tex, it's me, Church! I've come to rescue you."

But Tex stayed where she was. "You're kind of short to be Church."

"What?" Church asked in confusion before suddenly remembering. "Oh yeah, right, the armor." He then stepped out of Sarge's body.

"Hurk!" Sarge yelped as his mind was freed then he looked around in confusion. "What in Sam Hell? Where the- Who spat on my visor?"

As Sarge turned around to remove his helmet and wipe the saliva away, Church appeared behind him. "Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this Red guy so that I could sneak into the Base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon dressed in black armor that they got from going through the teleporter."

Tex was silent for a moment then she nodded and stepped out of the cell. "Okay."

"What? That's it?" Church cried out in surprise. "Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?"

"No," Tex replied with a shrug. "It pretty much all makes sense."

"Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing?" Church asked, passing his arm through the wall then back out again. "That didn't do anything for you?"

"I can see right through you," Tex stated. "It's pretty obvious."

"Okay," Church replied. "Well, let me hop back into this guy and we'll get outta here." He turned round to see Sarge put on his clean helmet and slipped back into his body, making the Red yelp "Huuurk!"

Outside, Caboose watched through the scope of the sniper as 'Sarge' emerged from the Base with Tex in tow. "What're you doing?" Tucker called behind him.

"One of the Reds has Tex," Caboose explained. "I'm going to shoot him, and kill him, and free Tex. Then Church will forgive me for killing _him,_ and we will be friends."

"Oh, come on," Tucker sighed. "You don't actually believe any of that, do you?"

But Caboose was lost in his own little world as he aimed for 'Sarge's' head. "Ohohoho, we're gonna be best friends."

From behind a rock just by the Base's door, Church peered through Sarge's head and took a look around then turned to Tex. "Alright, I'll make one more distraction then you run up to the teleporter and escape." Tex nodded in understanding. "Ready? One… Two… Three!"

Church stepped out from behind the rock then suddenly a shot rang out then he felt a searing pain through his head and Sarge's body slumped to the ground, leaving Church's ghostly form staring down in bewilderment. "What the…? Where'd my body go?" He turned round and saw Caboose holding a smoking sniper rifle, looking very embarrassed. "Oh, you've gotta be KIDDING me!"

Quickly, Caboose shoved the sniper into his teammate's hands and ran off yelling, "Tucker did it!"

* * *

**Ho-ho, will that ninny do anything right?**


	15. How The Other Half Lives

**On to Episode 15, and now for a slight change in mood.**

* * *

Chapter 15: How the Other Half Lives

As he slowly came to, Sarge had no idea what had just happened. The last thing he remembered was putting his helmet on after he cleaned it then something entered his mind, and now he found himself lying outside the Red Base… but something was very different. The colors of Blood Gulch were dull and muted and there was nobody else in sight.

"Hello?" he called out as he got to his feet, his voice echoing slightly. He made his way across the canyon, looking all around and calling out, "Hello? I said hello… Hello? Is _anybody_ out here?"

"Holy cow, will you stop yelling?" an slightly echoed voice said behind him. "I'm here."

Sarge turned round and saw Church standing behind him. "What is this place?" he asked nervously.

"Well, that's… kinda hard to explain," Church muttered. "Um… you were shot in the head, buddy. So, here you are."

Sarge looked confused. "Am I dead?"

"Are you dead?" Church sighed, shaking his head at the Red leader's slowness. "Well, yeah, that's how I ended up here."

"Are you some kinda angel?" Sarge asked hopefully.

"Am I an angel?" Church chuckled to himself before clearing his throat. "Uh, yeah, actually I am. I'm an angel. Um, do you wanna go to heaven? 'Cause, it's like ten bucks to get in."

Sarge started patting down his armor. "Well I, uh, I didn't really bring any… I mean, my wallet's back in the car…"

"Hey, you don't have it there, huh?" Church shrugged, trying to keep a straight face. "Well, uh… that's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to be damned to Hell for an eternity."

Then Sarge realized something. "I don't remember dying…"

"Yeah, that's my fault too," Church admitted, rubbing the back of his head. "I was… sort of possessing your body at the time you were shot. Sorry about that."

"Hold on a second, that ain't fair," Sarge yelled.

"_Not fair?_" Church snapped back. "Hey, join the freaking club; I got shot by my own tank!"

"Target locked," a female mechanical voice called out behind them.

The two Spartans whirled round and saw a Scorpion-Class tank aiming its turret right at them. Sarge stepped back in alarm, but Church just sighed and rolled his eyes. "Oh, ha, ha, very funny Sheila. Shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet." He then waved towards the other side of the gulch. "Go there, g-get, go over by the Base. Shoo, shoo."

Sheila lowered her turret and slowly rolled towards the Blue Base.

Just then, a shimmering window appeared before them, showing the distorted image of Sarge's body in the real world. Just then, Grif and Simmons came running up to him and Grif knelt down and started shaking his CO by the shoulders. "Sarge, don't you give up on me, soldier!" he yelled, on the brink of tears. "Do you hear me? I'm ordering you!"

"Who is that?" Sarge asked as he watched the image. "Who's there?"

Church stared in wonder and slight jealousy. "Looks like your guys are trying to save you."

Grif then grabbed Sarge's shotgun and started pounding on the motionless Red's chest with its butt. "You gotta breathe, man!" he wept between pounds. "You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!"

"That is _not_ the way you were trained to that, Private!" Sarge shouted.

"He can't hear you," Church told him.

Simmons stepped forward and took Sarge's shotgun out of his teammate's hands. "Grif, this isn't working. We have to try something else."

"If he gives you mouth-to-mouth, I'm leaving," Church warned.

Simmons thought for a moment. "…Maybe you should give him mouth-to-mouth."

"I'm leaving," Church groaned, turning green.

As he watched Grif kneel down and lift his helmet up to begin the CPR through his leader's helmet filter, Sarge let out a loud sniff. "I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me."

"Why wouldn't they?" Church asked with a shrug. "I mean, my team didn't but, why wouldn't yours?"

"I thought they didn't like me," Sarge blubbered, tears running down his grizzled face.

"Aw, don't sell yourself short," Church comforted, placing a hand on the old soldier's back. "I don't even _know_ ya, and here I am about to guide you to Heaven for only five bucks."

Sarge then realized something else. "Hold on, if you're an angel, how come you ain't got no wings?"

"Because nobody rang a bell." Church laughed at his joke then cleared his throat. "Seriously, do you have the money or don't you?"

Sarge turned back to the image sadly. "Oh, I feel the worst about Grif," he moaned. "I always made fun of him. I never even told him… he was my son."

"No way!" Church cried out. "The orange guy is your son?"

"Nah, I just wanted to screw with him one last time," Sarge admitted with a chuckle which quickly faded. "But now I'll never get that chance…"

Just then, Grif stood up, pulled his helmet back on and turned to Simmons. "He's breathing!" he cheered. "We saved Sarge!"

"I'm what?" Sarge gasped.

"He's WHAT?!" Church cried.

"Well, I'll be a monkey's…" Sarge chuckled as his body started to fade. "They saved me."

"What? No, come back!" Church yelled out. "We need to even the sides!"

"Thanks for your help, wingless angel fella!" Sarge called out in a fading voice. "Will I remember any of this?"

"Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!" Church answered before Sarge disappeared.

Back in the real world, Sarge gave a loud cough and slowly sat up, his memory of the Land of the Dead gone from his mind. "Where… What… What happened here?"

Simmons knelt down next to him. "Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir."

"I always believed in you, Simmons," Sarge said with a smile.

"Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir," Simmons admitted. "He did all the work."

"Grif?" Sarge asked, disbelievingly.

"Yes sir," Simmons confirmed.

Sarge got to his feet and glowered at the orange Spartan. "Grif, why in hell would you give somebody CPR _for a bullet wound in the head_?" he yelled. "That doesn't make a lick of sense!"

Grif sighed and lowered his head. "You're welcome, sir."

"I mean it's all so damn inconsistent!" Sarge continued his rant. "What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe, rub my neck with aloe vera?" He then rubbed his head and closed his eyes. "Hey there, Grif! I think I feel an aneurysm comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic mass-odge-es?"

Grif sighed as he removed Sarge's back armor and set to work. "Use your fingers, not your knuckles," Sarge instructed then he moaned in pleasure. "That there, that's good. Lower back. Yeah, I feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low." He gave another delighted moan as Grif worked his magic. "Oh yeah, shiatsu…"

* * *

**And everything's back to normal now… more or less.**


	16. A Slightly Crueler Cruller

**Here's Episode 16 and there's going to be a few changes coming. Also one quick guide: For Lopez's speech, I'm doing translations.**

* * *

Chapter 16: A Slightly Crueler Cruller

Sometime after Tex's attack and escape, Donut had miraculously recovered from his injuries, given his report to Red Command and was soon back at Blood Gulch in a brand new suit of armor which he was now showing to his teammates. "Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the blue flag, they gave me my own colored armor."

Grif and Simmons glanced at each other worryingly. "Uh… hey, Donut?" Grif said.

"What?" Donut asked.

"Um, about your armor," Simmons began.

"What about it?" Donut asked as he looked at his armor.

"How do I put this?" Simmons stammered. "Your armor is, um… it's a little, er… Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?"

"It's pink," Grif said, cutting to the chase. "Your armor is fricking pink!"

"Yeah, that's it," Simmons agreed. "Pink."

"Pink?!" Donut cried out. "My armor's not pink!"

"PINK," Grif stated.

"Yeah, definitely pink," Simmons concurred.

Donut glanced at his Pepto-Bismol pink armor and glared at his teammates. "You guys are color-blind. Why would they give me pink armor?"

"Hey, don't ask, don't tell." Grif then burst into laughter.

"Hey, that's not funny," Simmons scowled.

"It's a little funny," Grif panted between laughs.

"Look at it," Donut retorted. "It's not pink; it's like, uh… a lightish red."

"Guess what?" Grif said as he finished laughing. "They already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? _Pink._"

Donut folded his arms in a sulk. "I hate you guys."

At that moment, Sarge came running up the ramp, followed closely by Lopez. "Well hello, _dirtbags_," he said to Grif and Simmons before tipping an imaginary hat to Donut. "And a fine hello to you, madam."

"It's _light red,_" Donut growled through gritted teeth.

"Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie," Sarge chuckled. "Do you have a package for me?"

"Yes sir," Donut replied, happy to get the subject away from his armor.

"Excellent," Sarge said.

Donut pulled out a small box, opened it and carefully removed a small data card from within. "They said this speech unit should work with Lopez. Here you go." He handed it to Sarge.

"_Speech_ unit?" Grif asked in confusion.

"Affirmative." Sarge stepped behind Lopez and lifted up his back armor, revealing all sorts of intricate machinery underneath. "Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. …No offence, Simmons."

"Oh don't worry," Simmons replied with a nod to Grif. "I know who you meant, sir."

"Wait a second," Grif said, still puzzled. "Lopez is a robot?"

"Of course he is," Simmons replied as if it was obvious. "You didn't notice that he never talks?"

"I just thought he was a real quiet guy," Grif answered with a shrug.

"And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?" Sarge added.

"Well, I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd," Grif admitted. "Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me."

Sarge pressed some buttons on Lopez's back and a small slot opened up but as he lifted the card up, Simmons gave a worried look. "Hey, sir, you really should ground yourself before handling that card."

"How come?" Sarge demanded.

"Because static could damage the card," Simmons replied, puzzled that Sarge didn't know a fact that everyone in the 26th century already knew.

"Come on," Sarge scoffed. "That's just an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets."

Grif and Simmons swapped nervous glances as Sarge inserted the card into Lopez. "And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up!" Just then, an electric spark shot out from the slot onto Sarge's fingers, making him jump back. "YOW!"

"Sir, I won't say I told you so, sir," Simmons said, hiding a grin.

"Good," Sarge scowled, waving his tingling fingers. "I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite private."

Donut started at those words. "It's not pink," he yelled. "It's _lightish RED_!"

Over at the Blue Base, Tex kept a look out for Church while the others cleaned their armor. Soon Tucker's armor was back in its usual teal color, but Caboose was still struggling to wipe his clean. "Ah, man," he grunted, rubbing the chamois as hard as he could but not getting any results. "Uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy."

"Yeah," Tucker agreed. "This was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor."

"Yeah, I know that," Caboose replied impatiently. "That's, I think, because, you know, uh, you didn't DO ANYTHING!"

"I'm sorry, what?" Tucker asked, placing a hand next to the side of his helmet. "It's kind of hard to hear you over your constant team-killing."

Caboose was silent and then he smiled. "Ah, ah, aaaahhhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhh… Don't make me mad."

Back at Red Base, while Sarge was installing Lopez's new speech unit, Donut was scratching his head as he struggled to recall how he ended up at Red Command's medical wing. "So what _happened_ to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?"

"Right, that was a grenade," Grif explained.

Donut nodded thoughtfully. "And the last thing I remember… is a loud bang… and then Simmons fainting…"

"Ha! Told you so!" Grif laughed at Simmons.

"I did not faint," Simmons clarified.

"Done and done," Sarge announced, closing his robot's back armor and stepping in front of him. "Lopez, activate speech unit!"

Lopez gave a series of loud clicks then he spoke… in Spanish. "Buenos días. Y la gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres." (Good morning. And thank you for activating my speech function. My model number is zero one zero one one three four eight eight two three.)

"Am I the only one not understanding any of this?" Donut asked his team.

"Me llamo es Lopez," the robot finished. (My name is Lopez.)

"Lopez, he just said Lopez!" Grif cried. "I understood that. I can speak Spanish!"

Sarge glared at Grif before turning to the brown Spartan. "Lopez, speak English!"

But Lopez shook his head. "Mi procesador Inglés tiene malfunctioned. Sé habla solamente español." (My English processor has malfunctioned. I can only speak Spanish.)

"Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir," Simmons reasoned.

"Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model," Sarge argued.

"Seriously, dude," Donut snapped. "For the last time: Not. Pink."

"Lopez, I order you to speak a language we understand," Sarge commanded.

"Negativo," Lopez replied. (Negative.)

"Well this is just dandy," Sarge sighed. "Lopez, how… do… we… fix… your… speech… u… nit?"

"Why are you talking so slow?" Grif asked. "He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower."

"Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?" Sarge asked with a sinister grin.

"Si señor, gracias," Lopez replied, pointing his pistol at Grif. (Yes sir, thank you.)

"No, stop!" Grif yelped as he dived through the broken skylight. "Uh, alto, alto!"

"Alto means tall, you dumbass," Simmons called down.

Grif turned round at this. "Then why do they put it on stop signs?"

* * *

**That's actually a good question. Anyway, Lopez can now speak, just not English… not that I mind.**


	17. Points of Origin

**With this, I am now two episodes away from completing the first part.**

* * *

Chapter 17: Points of Origin

At the Blue Base, Church returned from the spirit world and Tex rounded the Blues up for a business discussion. "As far as I'm concerned," she told Church, "I'm square with you."

Tucker and Caboose turned to Church in the manner of spectators watching a tennis match. "I just saved you from a life of imprisonment," Church said. "How the hell are you square with _me?_"

The duo turned back to Tex. "Because _I_ didn't kill _you_ on Sidewinder," she reminded him, fingering the blue ice diamond ring on her neck.

They turned back to Church. "You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor."

They looked back to Tex as she whipped out her pistol. "Well if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now."

"No you can't! I'm already dead, bitch," Church retorted, stepping forward so that his head passed through Tex's gun. "I guess the joke's on you!"

"STOP IT! Stop fighting!" Caboose yelled out. "Can't you see you're tearing us apart? WHAT ABOUT US?"

"What _about_ you?" Tex asked, raising an eyebrow.

"We helped you too," Caboose whimpered. "And what do we get? NOTHING!"

Tex grimaced and rubbed the back of her head. "Well yeah, but-"

"Yeah, _but nothin'_," Church interrupted. "He's got a point."

"I did help them get the flag back," Tex pointed out.

"Yeah, but you were paid to do that," Tucker reminded her. "We rescued you as a favor. We could have just let you rot in the Red Army prison; it wouldn't have made any difference to us."

"Fine, I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you win this thing," Tex conceded, putting her pistol away. "As soon as I have, I'm outta here. What do you need me to do?"

"I have no idea," Tucker replied with a shrug. "If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that."

Tex thought for a moment then she nodded. "Okay."

"Wait, you-you know how to fix Sheila?" Caboose let a grin of bliss cross his face. "I love you."

Meanwhile at the Red Base, Lopez was using his new speech unit to tell the Reds about how he got his nickname. "Entonces la décias 'tu nos pesos más, yo peso más.' Entonces pusieron los de nuestros cuerpos sobre la escala y fue determinado quién tenía el peso más grande. Después de eso me llamarían Lopez la Pesado." (So I said to him, 'You do not weigh more, I weigh more.' Then we put our bodies on the scale and it was determined that I had the greatest weight. Since then, they have called me Lopez the Heavy.)

"Man," Grif moaned. "First he doesn't talk at all, and now we can't get him to shut up. What's he saying?"

"What're you asking me for?" Simmons asked.

"Well, you know, because you're of, uh, a _Latino persuasion._"

"Simmons isn't a Spanish name, you dumbass. I'm Dutch-Irish."

"But I thought-"

"What?" Simmons snapped.

"Eh, never mind," Grif sighed.

Then Donut spoke up, "I'm from Iowa."

"Nobody cares!" Grif and Simmons yelled.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the canyon, the Blues approached the wrecked hulk of Sheila, keeping an eye out for trouble. As Tex stepped towards the tank, Church turned to his teammates. "Okay, take it easy, guys. When I was over at the Red Base, I saw that they've already got their jeep fixed. So whatever you do, don't let them see us before we get Sheila back online."

"Okay, okay," Caboose said as he glanced at the upside down tank. "Even if we get Sheila fixed, how are we going to turn her over? I mean it's not as if we could just lift-" A loud crash interrupted him and he turned round to see a righted Sheila, and Tex dusting off her hands next to her. "Oh," he murmured then he beamed. "She is a very strong lady."

Church snapped his fingers to get Caboose's attention back. "I'm the one that's the least visible, so I'm gonna head up to higher ground and keep an eye on the Red Base. If I see anything, I'll let you know."

"Great, I'll come with you," Caboose agreed.

"That kinda defeats the purpose, Caboose," Church said.

"Okay," Caboose said, his voice dropping to a whisper. "What if I'm really… really… _quiet_?"

"Do you even understand what the term 'visibility' means, Caboose?" the ghostly leader asked, folding his arms.

Caboose chuckled nervously. "Uhh, good one, Church."

"Seriously, you don't know what it means, do you?" Church persisted.

"Uh, no," Caboose admitted.

Church let out an exasperated sigh. "Caboose, just stay here, man, and try not to swallow your tongue or anything like that."

Tucker watched as Church ran up to the cliff. "Just watch the Red Base and tell us if you see any movement."

As Caboose sat by a rock to rest, Tucker went over to where Tex was welding a hole in Sheila's cabin and leaned against a tread. "So, I suppose if you're helping us, you're not as mean as I thought."

"I wouldn't say I'm mean," Tex said as she worked. "I just get hired to do mean things."

"Yeah, but you like it," Tucker replied nervously.

"Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do," Tex confirmed.

"So let's say I pay you to kill Caboose?" Tucker asked, nodding towards where Caboose was fiddling with his pistol. "You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?"

Tex lowered her tools and turned to Tucker. "Is this a hypothetical discussion?" she asked, deadly serious. "Or should we start talking numbers?"

"Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this anymore," Tucker murmured, backing away from Tex.

Up on the cliff, Church had reached the ledge when he suddenly tripped over something and fell on his face. As he got up, he turned and saw he had tripped over his own corpse. With a groan, he went up to the edge and called down, "Hey, Tucker!"

"What?" Tucker yelled back.

"What the hell is my body still doing up here?"

"That's part of being dead, Church. Your body doesn't really move around much anymore. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet."

Church sighed angrily. "Alright, well let me rephrase that then: Why in the hell haven't you buried my body yet?"

"Buried? With what?" Tucker called up. "All we have are pistols and rifles. What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?"

"Well then, how about shipping me back home?" Church suggested. "You know let the loved ones pay a little respect."

"Well, Church, here's your girlfriend." Tucker turned to Tex who was listening to the conversation. "Tex, as one of Church's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects?"

Tex glanced up at Church and then went back to work. "That was a stirring eulogy," Tucker said, before looking up and giving his leader a one finger salute. "Rest in peace, good buddy!"

* * *

**Well, that was a short funeral service.**


	18. SPF 0

**On to Episode 18 and… Damn, can't think of anything to put here.**

* * *

Chapter 18: SPF 0

On a ledge at the side of Blood Gulch, Tucker and Caboose climbed up to where Church was waiting, standing in great annoyance next to his own rotting corpse. "I am not happy about this," he told them angrily.

"I have an idea," Caboose said but no one responded so he shouted, "I HAVE AN IDEA!"

"Yeah, we heard you the first time, Caboose," Tucker groaned. "We were just ignoring you."

But Caboose explained his plan anyway. "Since you possessed that Red guy, and took control of _him,_ why don't you just possess _your own body_?"

Church looked at Caboose then down at his corpse. "Oh I see," he sighed. "So that way, I would be living inside of my own dead body."

"Yes," Caboose agreed.

"Unable to move, just laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity."

"Yes."

"Okay, Caboose, I'll be sure to get right on that," Church replied sarcastically.

Caboose folded his arms in a sulk. "I think you are a mean ghost."

Tucker sniffed the air then gagged and covered his helmet's filter. "Dude, you really stink!"

"What?" Church snapped.

"Your _body,_" Tucker replied, pointing at Church's corpse. "It stinks."

Church glared at his team, his ghostly body glowing red with anger. "Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body."

"Quit your bitching," Tucker waved him off. "Nothing's going to happen to it."

"It's a _freaking indignity!_" Church roared. "My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest!"

"Get over it," Tucker said nervously. "You're already dead. What's the worst that could happen?"

Just then, a shadow passed overhead and Caboose looked up. "Hey, Church! Look, birds!" As the others looked up, Caboose cocked his head in confusion. "Why are they flying around in circles?"

"Uhhh, God," Church groaned as he placed a hand over his visor, his body fading back to white.

Over at the Red Base, Lopez had powered down to conserve energy while Grif and Simmons kept a look out for trouble, passing the time by playing 'I Spy'.

"Okay, I'll go again," Grif said. "I spy something… that begins with-"

"Dirt," Simmons interrupted.

"Damn! How did you-"

"Well, because you did rock last time. That's all that's out here is rock and dirt."

"Yeah, this canyon sucks," Grif sighed.

Back on the ledge, the Blues were watching as Tex continued her repair work on Sheila. "How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?" Church asked Tucker.

"Not much longer," the teal Spartan replied. "She said it's going pretty well. The gun's almost working, and then she'll get it moving again."

"Oh, that's just fan_tastic_," Church groaned.

"Why would that upset you?" Tucker asked, noting Church's anger.

"Because, as soon as she gets the tank online," Church replied, "she's gonna use it against the Reds and they're all gonna die."

"The Reds dying is a good thing," Tucker reminded his leader.

"No, Tucker, it's _not_ a good thing," Church argued. "As soon as we beat the Reds, Tex is outta here. And I still haven't figured out a way to get that AI out of her head."

Caboose scratched his head in confusion. "AI…"

"Shut up, Caboose," Church snapped before turning back to Tucker. "And if I don't get it out before she leaves…"

"If she leaves, you won't ever find her again," Tucker realized.

"Right," Church confirmed.

"So what're you gonna do?" Tucker asked.

Church glanced at the other side of the canyon, sighed and bowed his head sadly. "I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I _can_ do… I have to warn the Reds before she fixes the tank."

Tucker and Caboose gasped in horror at Church's suggestion. "You're switching sides?!" Tucker cried out.

"Sorry, guys," Church murmured. "I don't have much choice."

Caboose glanced at the Red Base nervously. "Church, uh, wha-what happens when the Reds out here… do stop Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us…?"

"I'll try to help you as best I can," Church promised. "Good luck, guys." And he disappeared without another word.

Caboose pulled out the sniper rifle and turned to Tucker. "Does this mean I should try to kill Church now?"

"I tell you what: Kill me," Tucker sighed, shaking his head sadly. "I promise not to come back."

Caboose peered through the scope at the Red Base and then he spotted Donut walking past the Warthog. "Hey!" he yelled. "Look at _this!_"

"No," Tucker replied sulkily.

"They have… a girl," Caboose said. "They have a girl!"

"A what?" Tucker cried out.

"A girl, a girl!" Caboose shouted. "Look! Pink armor!"

Tucker looked out and just glimpsed a flash of pink. "Oh man, how come they get a girl?"

Below them, Tex cleared her throat. "Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standing right here?"

"Yeah, Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a 'girl' girl," Tucker replied, instantly regretting his words.

"And what the hell does that mean?" Tex asked coldly.

"Nothing!" the two Blues shouted, backing away from the edge.

Suddenly, Tucker had a worrying thought. "Wait a second… If Tex heard that, do you think she heard Church's secret plan to warn the Reds about her?"

"I don't know," Caboose whispered. "But I think I know how to find out."

He stepped back onto the edge and called out, "Hey! Tex! Uh… Did you hear Church's… secret plan to tell the Reds that you were fixing the tank?"

Tex glanced up at him and turned back to her work. Caboose turned towards Tucker, who had placed his head in his hands. "I don't think she knows," the Blue smiled.

Then the smile faded as a thought crossed his mind. "But what if she can read minds…? She can't read minds, can she?" Tucker just groaned in dismay as Caboose called down, "Can you hear what I'm thinking?"

* * *

**I think… that guy is a moron.**


	19. Last One Out, Hit the Lights

**Welcome to the finale of the first part of the Blood Gulch Chronicles.**

* * *

Chapter 19: Last One Out, Hit the Lights

On the roof of the Red Base, Grif and Simmons kept an eye out for trouble while Lopez was on standby. For a while, they were silent then Simmons turned to his teammate and spoke. "Hey, Grif."

"Yeah, Simmons?" Grif replied.

"You ever wonder why we're here?" Simmons asked.

Grif was about to answer when he realized he'd been here before. "No, I never, _ever_ wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch."

Unseen by them, Church appeared and jumped right into Lopez's body. "Keegakergerk!" the robot yelped as he felt his mechanical mind being subdued.

"What?" Simmons asked, turning round. "What's wrong with Lopez?"

"I don't care," Grif muttered.

Simmons stepped towards the shaking robot. "Hey, Lopez, uh… you okay man?"

By then, Church had taken control of Lopez and turned to the Reds. "Aye, muchachos, necesité darle… un aviso…" (Hey, guys, I need to give… you a… warning…) He trailed off as he realized he didn't know what he was saying. "¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy el hablar en español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar español!" (What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!)

"Um… Sure," Simmons said, backing away.

"¡No, no, escucha mé!" Church shouted. "¡La bruja teva a matar! ¡Ella está travajando en la tanque!" (No, no, listen to me! The mean woman is going to kill you! She is fixing the tank!)

On the ledge overlooking the middle of the canyon, Tucker checked on Tex's progress. "Aw, crap," he sighed, turning to his teammate. "Caboose, she's almost done fixing Sheila. I better radio Church and tell him what's going on."

As he raised his hand to turn on the radio in his helmet, Caboose then called out, "Oh! Oh! Oh! Tucker, please, please! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker, please! Tucker!"

Tucker sighed in defeat. "Yes, you can be the one who radios Church."

"Thanks, man," Caboose beamed then he activated his radio. "Calling Church. Come in, Church. This is your close personal friend, Private O'Malley."

"O'Malley?!" Tucker cried out. "You said your name was Caboose."

"I never said that, you guys did," Caboose argued.

"Why didn't you correct us?" Tucker asked.

"Because I didn't want to be difficult," Caboose answered before turning back to his radio. "Come in, Private Church. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armored vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your… mission… ness." Tucker scratched his head in confusion as Caboose cleared his throat and asked, "How is your progression?"

Over the radio, Church called out, "¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchando mí! ¡No mas puedo hablar español!" (Caboose! No one here is listening to me! I can only speak Spanish for some reason!)

Caboose was silent for a moment then he turned to Tucker. "He says he wants to talk to you."

Suddenly, there was a loud rumbling from below and a mechanical voice called out, "Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank."

Tucker gulped in worry. "Oh shit, we got trouble."

Back at Red Base, Church was trying to get his message through to Grif and Simmons. "Un tanque… _grrrannde!_"

Grif glowered at him. "Hey, I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language."

"What country?" Simmons asked. "We're on an alien planet."

"What're you, a communist?" Grif snapped.

Suddenly, the base was hit by an explosive round and the Reds and Church whirled round to see Sheila bearing down on them.

"Son of a bitch!" Grif cried out.

"Son of a bitch!" Simmons exclaimed.

"¡MADRE DE DIOS!" Church yelped. (SON OF A BITCH!)

On the cliff ledge, Caboose glanced through the sniper scope while Tucker just sighed. "Okay, I'm getting really sick of asking people what's going on through that sniper rifle."

"Church is getting mad at us," Caboose murmured as he watched Tex firing Sheila's cannon at the Reds and Church yelling at her in Spanish.

"Ohhhhh, well that's a nice change of pace," Tucker moaned.

Back at Red Base, Sarge leapt into the armored jeep and radioed his squad. "Simmons, I'm coming around in the Warthog. Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by."

"Roger that," Simmons replied, as Sheila fired another round at the Base's doors and Church yelled out at Tex in Spanish.

"I'll uh… I'll stay here," Grif murmured as he ducked down on the ramp.

"Yeah, stay here and guard this cement ramp," Simmons ordered sarcastically, running down to the lower level. "It's _vital_ to our success."

As Sarge drove past, Simmons leapt behind the machinegun. "Alright, I'm on board."

"Alright," Sarge called, driving toward the tank. "Here's the plan-" But before he could continue, Sheila fired a round at them, flipping the Warthog and sending Sarge and Simmons flying. "JUNEBUG!"

At the Base, Grif watched as Sarge and Simmons limped back up the ramp. "Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war already?"

"Yeah, uh," Simmons panted. "Did you want to finish telling me the plan _now,_ Sarge?"

Sarge just glowered at his privates. "If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya… _slowly._"

As Sheila's next round dented the doors, Grif crawled over to Simmons. "Uh, hey, Simmons? By the way… the ramp is secure."

"Target locked," Sheila announced and fired again, blowing the doors clean off its hinges. Tex smiled to herself, knowing that with a just few more shots, she would soon reach the Reds' ammo depot, filled with enough explosives to destroy this side of the canyon.

Just then, Donut came running up the other ramp and spotted the others hiding. "Hey, what're you guys doing up here?"

"That chick in the black armor's back!" Grif yelped.

"What chick?" Donut cried out. "The one that stuck the grenade to my head?"

"That's the one," Simmons replied.

"The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armor?" Donut growled.

"Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity," Grif griped, "but really, dude, it's a _whole_ lot faster just to say pink."

But Donut was too angry to hear that part. "Ohohoho, I've been waiting for this!" He grabbed a plasma grenade from his belt, pushed past Church and ran up to the edge of the Base. "Hey bitch!" he yelled. "Remember me? I saved something for you!" And he hurled the grenade with all his strength.

All eyes in Blood Gulch watched spellbound as the grenade flew across the sky in a gentle arc. "Man, that girl's got a really good arm," Tucker muttered in amazement.

By then, Tex was just one shot away from blowing up the depot when the grenade slipped through the canopy and landed on her lap. "Aw, crap!"

"Hell, yeah!" Donut cheered. "Three points, you dirty whore!"

As his words echoed across the canyon, Tex struggled to pull the grenade off but it was already too late. KABOOOOOMMMMM! Sheila's cabin erupted in smoke and Tex was thrown out of the cabin.

"¡Dios mío, noooo!" Church screamed in horror. He jumped off the Base roof and ran towards the plume of smoke calling out, "¡Tejas, Tejas!"

"Uh, where's Lopez going?" Grif asked as the Reds climbed down the ramp.

"To fight the enemy head on in hand-to-hand combat," Sarge replied. "Mano e mano. What a brave little compadre. Lopez," he called out to the retreating brown figure. "I never understood a word you said, but I do know one thing: You hated Grif and that's the most important thing there is." He gave a noble salute to his robot. "Adios, amigo… Adios."

"Shouldn't we help him?" Simmons asked.

"Naw," Sarge replied. "That would just ruin the moment."

In the middle of the canyon, Church arrived at the wrecked tank and looked around until he spotted the broken body of Tex lying nearby. Kneeling down, he pulled her close to him and held her head up. Coughing loudly, Tex raised her head and stared into the possessed robot's eyes. "Church… is that you?" He nodded solemnly and she smiled. "It-it's gone, Church. The AI is gone. Thank you. Heeee, bleah…" As she closed her eyes and died in his arms, Church cradled her body, lowered his head and wept openly, oily tears trickling down his face.

On the cliff ledge, Caboose had turned away to face the wall while Tucker watched the sad scene below. "Crap," he sighed. "Church is gonna be pissed, and now he's got a body to kick our ass." He turned to his teammate. "Come on, Caboose, let's go back to base."

"I told you, my name isn't Caboose…" The blue soldier looked round, revealing glowing red eyes and he finished in a deep, scary voice, "**My name… is… O'Malley!**"

* * *

**What a way to end a series but nonetheless it is the end of the first series. I'll take a break from this work for now but I will continue.**


End file.
